Tenacious Juror #5 Credited With Convicting Snapping Fingers Despite Frivolous Molestation Charges

The Therapist:Spunky septuagenarian tells wrong-way traffic to 'go to hell' on way home Santa Maria Ca.--79 year old Ellie Cook knew exactly what she
The Therapist:
Spunky septuagenarian tells wrong-way traffic to 'go to hell' on way home

Santa Maria Ca.--79 year old Ellie Cook knew exactly what she was doing when she helped acquit accused singer, Michael Jackson.

"I listened to the testimony, "she said. "The luring, the sedentary effects of alcohol, the preparatory behavior. The hard core pornography. The lewd and lascivious acts. All the signs were there, and I believed them--but you don't sit near me, with your son's posterior in my legal purview, and give me a fresh look--cause I'll make those tiny glutes famous, sunshine."

Cook noted that a local Denny's had neglected to give her an unsolicited senior discount, and that the incident "played only a minor role" in ignoring the accuser's claims of being Jackson’s wanton, DNA receptacle.

"It was that little chick that blew it for the boy," she said. "Come up with a sideways glance toward the Santa Maria Sanhedrin, and it's Vitiligo Vertigo for the Gav-man, honey.”

Cook's tenacious mettle, while not enough to make her foreman, duly impressed her colleagues nonetheless.
"I was absolutely stunned," said juror # 10. "Charge after charge; molestation, preparatory alcohol distribution, lewd contact, the works. Ellie was unflappable. I could hear her remind herself that the mother's attitude was the issue. She's the true iron woman."

Cook's reputation continued, as she buckled up into to her 1974 Volvo and wrongly headed south in a northbound lane.

"See? Listen to that cursing," said Juror # 10. "Even now I can hear her say, I don't care if the accuser has a Jackson-funded man-port installed on that fanny, his mother's gonna have to eat that precocious smirk all the way to her kid's head shrink. You don't treat me like a dog, missy"

Cook is expected to activate her dormant plans for a book, tentatively titled, Sass Your Grandma? Let's Take A Little Walk Through The Megan's Law Database.

 

US troops reportedly gathering on Syrian border

Global News Matrix

A United Arab Emirates daily, citing unnamed sources, reported Wednesday the United States was massing troops on the Syrian-Iraqi border.


↓ Story continues below ↓

The pro-government al-Bayan daily quoted unidentified Arab officials as saying that Egypt and Saudi Arabia have reliable information from Damascus of U.S. military mobilization on the Syrian-Iraqi border.

The sources also told the paper the U.S. forces have repeatedly crossed the Iraqi border with the pretext of chasing infiltrators and Iraqi insurgents.

"I was absolutely stunned," said juror # 10. "Charge after charge; molestation, preparatory alcohol distribution, lewd contact, the works. Ellie was unflappable. I could hear her remind herself that the mother's attitude was the issue. She's the true iron woman."

Cook's reputation continued, as she buckled up into to her 1974 Volvo and wrongly headed south in a northbound lane.

"See? Listen to that cursing," said Juror # 10. "Even now I can hear her say, I don't care if the accuser has a Jackson-funded man-port installed on that fanny, his mother's gonna have to eat that precocious smirk all the way to her kid's head shrink. You don't treat me like a dog, missy"

Cook is expected to activate her dormant plans for a book, tentatively titled, Sass Your Grandma? Let's Take A Little Walk Through The Megan's Law Database.

About John Amato

Comments

We welcome relevant, respectful comments. Please refer to our Terms of Service for information on our posting policy.