Goldman bars employees from accurately describing its products
Here's your daily Wall Street-related laugh -- after getting busted for knowingly selling self-described "sh*tty deals" to clients, Goldman Sachs has now decided that it must stop employees from using naughty words in company emails:
The New York company is telling employees that they will no longer be able to get away with profanity in electronic messages. That means all 34,000 traders, investment bankers and other Goldman employees must restrain themselves from using a vast vocabulary of oft-used dirty words on Wall Street, including the six-letter expletive that came back to haunt the company at a Senate hearing in April.
"[B]oy, that timberwo[l]f was one s— deal," Thomas Montag, who helped run Goldman's securities business, wrote in a June 2007 email that was repeatedly referred to at the hearing.
Mr. Montag, who couldn't be reached for comment, wouldn't be allowed to send that email under Goldman's sanitized communications policy, which is being enforced by screening software. Even swear words spelled with asterisks are out.
Oh, now where's the fun in that! How can get an accurate picture of the Real Wall Street works if traders aren't allowed to email each other messages such as "LOL OMG I CANT BELIEVE THE DUMB-A** C***S***ER BOUGHT THAT S****Y M*****F***ING DEAL I CAN'T WAIT 2 SHORT THAT B***H ROFL!!!!1!"
Man, it's hard out here for a pimp these days. Continuing:
A Goldman spokeswoman said: "Of course we have policies about the use of appropriate language and we are always looking for ways to ensure that they are enforced."
"We always tell our f***ing traders not to mouth the f**k off about the s****y deals they make over email," he added. "That sort of talk must be reserved for company restrooms only."
The new edict—delivered verbally, of course—has left some employees wondering if the rule also applies to shorthand for expletives such as "WTF" or legitimate terms that sound similar to curses.
Traders are now banned from writing things like, "OMFG THAT MF HAS NO IDEA WTF IS ABOUT 2 HAPPEN LMAO! I PURCHASED CDS ON THOSE POS SECURITIES FIVE MINUTES AFTER HE BOUGHT THEM FROM ME -- NOW WHEN HE BLOWS UP I WILL BE EFFING RICH LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL!!!!"
This new Goldman policy is a classic example of what we professional philosophers call "Missing the damn point." No one is taking offense at the fact that they used four-letter words in company emails. The offensive thing is that they allegedly designed collateralized debt obligations filled with crappy mortgages and then sold them to unwitting clients and then shorting securities in the CDOs through credit default swaps.
This sort of behavior, needless to say, is much more offensive than using the s-word over and over again in emails.
Sounds like they must change to more professional wordage. They can say things like, when the fecal matter hits the rotating blade device.
Say what you mean. Mean what you say. But don't say it mean.
That is what a VP told me when I interviewed at Goldman ... what a laugh.
I believe that it would be completely appropriate for the department heads of Goldman Saks to have superheated iron rods inserted into their collective distal gastrointestinal orifices and guided into the most proximal aspect of this lumen, into the soft palate, until they are completely unable to linguistically describe the sensations they are experiencing without said iron rods being easily visualized by any individual standing within 20 yards of above mentioned individuals.
Is that OK?
The people of privilege will always risk their complete destruction rather than surrender any material part of their advantage." J.K. Galbraith
Would there be room in these orifices for the rod and their head at the same time?
Say what you mean. Mean what you say. But don't say it mean.
What I don't understand is where these inbred "militia" morons are. It seems like if they were handing out lynchings of people who were "destroying their country", these assholes would be "first against the wall when the revolution comes".
Not inciting violence, just sayin'...
It's not what you write, it's how you write it.
Shit.
Quis custodiet ipsos custodes? - Juvenal
Holy *&##$ *&^(&$...how can the &#(($# @#@@#@ on Wall Street get through their &$#*()(* stressful day if they can't use ^$##( &*&(&$#
$^(*#^&$# language. It's not &$#^@) fair.
"Anyone that makes less than $150K in this country, has no business voting Republican."
Shorter Goldman-Sachs: Obscene words are bad, obscene business practices are good.
Welcome to the United States of Bank of America, where greed isn't a sin, but rather is considered a positive quality.
Eh, "business ethics" was always an oxymoron.
Greed is and always has been at the heart of capitalism. This kind of behavior is the norm, not the exception, in the absence of stringent regulation with meaningful penalties. That is why I am a socialist.
Unacceptable: "LOL OMG I CANT BELIEVE THE DUMB-A** C***S***ER BOUGHT THAT S****Y M*****F***ING DEAL I CAN'T WAIT 2 SHORT THAT B***H ROFL!!!!1!"
Acceptable: "Behold: I am wracked with uproarious laughter! I am experiencing great difficulty believing that this foolish rube, who is of subnormal intelligence, and who, by-the-way, demonstrates dubious dedication to the heterosexual lifestyle, actually purchased that lousy, excrement encrusted and besmirched, unmitigated disaster of a "financial instrument"! I eagerly anticipate completing the process of symbolically buggering this foolish patsy on prime-time TV by short selling the instrument out from underneath him and relieving him of the remainder of his assets. Oh, but I am beset with paroxysms of laughing, to such degree that I find myself rolling on the floor!"
As DrDick at 11:58 noted, "Shorter Goldman-Sachs: Obscene words are bad, obscene business practices are good."
My friend who works in banking in NYC told me that G. oldman S. achs monitors all internet communications for mentions of its name. A guy at an outside agency who was hired by GS for some project commented online that he was so bored at the mtg. GS traced it back to him and had him fired.
They live in the Sea of Cortez, Baja Mexico. While they have a reputation for aggressiveness and/or viciousness, that is because they resist when being caught (at night) and are also known to be highly intelligent and curious. Several fine nature films have been made about them in the last few years. No fair comparing them to Goldman SCAKS. These are creatures of a higher order and please do not smear them--educate yourself about them. Cuttlefish are very intelligent too.
Is what I thought it was.
http://sandboxworld.com/the-vampire-squid/
Magnificent creatures. It is an insult to the squid to be compared to the Wall Street types.
describe the ways they're going to fuck you over from now on?
Well, I'm glad they at least learned something from this.
It's like a serial killer swearing off cussin' while he's killing people and cuttin them up, and promising he'll hold up his pinkie while he drinks your blood.
NICE!!! Thanks!
FUCK THEM! There's not enough bad shit that can happen to these fucking assholes any anyone related to them.
Sorry. If there's a God, may he/she/it have mercy on my soul, but that's the way I feel!
...of the greedy, soulless bastards from Goldman and a free swimming, beautiful sea creature. The squid is being unjustly defamed.
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