Editor's note: Our friend Juanita Jean is in the hospital for a few days. I have told her to comply with the doctors' orders or I will personally fly to Texas to kick her ass. You can leave your best wishes for her recovery in the comments.

The Good Folks at Methodist Hospital Sugar Land (aka Taj Ma Methodist) have decided that I need to be their guest for a couple of days.

I would deeply appreciate you not telling me to take care of myself and not work so hard for a crippled up old woman. How the hell do you think I got to be a crippled up old woman? Hell, I ain’t gonna listen to you. You know that. So just don’t do it.

I’m gonna be just fine but right now they feel the necessity to shoot me full of steroids and torture me with a so-called Heart Healthy diet when there’s not a damn thing wrong with my heart. There’s nothing wrong with me that a Democratic Texas Governor won’t cure.

The doctor says he promises I will be well enough to attend my own roast on the 27th, which is either good news or bad news depending on how mean my friends intend to be. And no, I’m not doing this for sympathy roasting. I don’t need sympathy. Most of them are scared to death of me already.

As well they should be.

Here I am all pathetic in the hospital and this is what I have to look at. The goals the doctor and the hospital set for me.

Wait a minute. Wait just a damn minute. They are trying to cure me from being an SOB? There’s a treatment for that? And if there is, why isn’t Greg Abbott getting it?

I feel much better tonight and will let you know what’s going on in the morning. If they try to cure me of smartass, be locked and loaded to bust me out of this place.