By now, I'm sure you've heard about the state representative who got banned from speaking on the floor of the Michigan state legislature because she used the word "vagina." Well, this inspired my friend Brendan. I can assure you, he really does make these phone calls to elected officials all the time, and they really crack me up:
“Hello, Representative Jim Stamas’ office.”
“Hi my name is Brendan Skwire. So … now that Majority Leader Stamas has made clear that using a word like ... well, you know the word, it rhymes with “angina” ... can get you kicked out of the House of Representatives, I have a question.”
“My wife and I are going to the ob-gyn next week, and we need to know what word to use instead of ... well, you know.”
“Sir, I’m afraid that we don’t have a list of replacements.”
“Wha–? But why not? I mean, if ‘the V-word’ can get you kicked out of the People’s house indefinitely, it’s clear that it’s not acceptable for public use. Please, help me. I don’t want to offend our doctor, my wife needs their services.”
“I’m sorry, sir I can’t help you–”
“What about ‘baby-hole’? is that OK?”
“Or ‘pee-pee place’? What about “special secret spot’? I’m just asking for guidance.”
“Sir, i can’t help you. Do you even live in this district?”
“I have no idea,” I replied. “I’m just trying to do my due diligence.”
Meanwhile, Christina, who was witnessing this exchange, was biting her lip trying to keep from laughing.
“Look,” I went on. “if Representative Stamas prohibits the the word vagina (i said it in a whisper> in public, it’s your responsibility to provide a substitute. If we can’t use the V-word, how can my wife discuss her issues with her doctor?
“And believe me, I understand your discomfort,” I added. Nobody likes that word vagina. It’s icky. Lady parts in general are icky, but that’s the hole that babies come out of. If there were some way to make the babies without having to look at that disgusting, smelly thing they have between their legs, life would be a lot easier, am I right?” C gave me a scowl from across the room.
“I mean, they really are disgusting, aren’t they? All wet and clammy and ugly,” I continued. “It’s looks like liverwurst gone bad. So kudos to Mr. Stamas for exorcising even mentioning it in the public square. Oh, what about ‘hoo-hah’ or ‘vajayjay’, would that be acceptable?”
“Sir… sigh. You can use whatever word you want, it’s your decision.”
“No, it’s not actually. Majority Leader Stamas says so. And I don’t want to run afoul of the law.
“So this is what I want you to do. I’m going to call back later this week, and I want you to have a list of approved words to replace that icky, medicinal-sounding vagina. Can you do this for me?”
The guy sighed again. I wonder how many of these phone calls he’s fielded this week. “Sir, I can pass your message along to the Majority Leader.”
“Thanks,” I said. “And one more thing before I hang up?
“Vagina,” I said. “Vagina, vagina, vagina, vagina, vagina,vagina, VAGINA!!!!!!!”