Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth took a break from gorging himself with lobster tails and Alaskan king crab while we were eating one piece of chicken, broccoli, a tortilla, and one other thing, to blast the press over the coverage of Trump's war on Iran. Hegseth took a moment to express disdain over the coverage, and even gave a shoutout to Paramount CEO David Ellison, because of course.

Hegseth tries to portray himself as some alpha-male, but he came off as a whiny little fascist bitch as he dictated the sort of headlines the press should use.

"Yet, some in this crew, in the press, just can't stop," he said. "Allow me to make a few suggestions.

"People look up at the TV, and they see banners," he continued. "They see headlines. I used to be in that business, and I know that everything is written intentionally."

"For example, a banner or a headline, Mid-East War Intensifies, splashing on the screen the last couple of days, alongside visuals of civilian or energy targets that Iran has hit because that's what they do," he said, presumably after doing his manly man morning pushups. "What should the banner read instead?"

"How about Iran, Increasingly Desperate?" he continued. "Because they are. They know it, and so do you, if it can be admitted. Or more fake news from CNN. Reports that the Trump administration underestimated the Iran War's impact on the Strait of Hormuz. Patently ridiculous, of course."

"For decades, Iran has threatened shipping in the Strait of Hormuz," he said. "This is always what they do, hold the Strait hostage. CNN doesn't think we thought of that. It's a fundamentally unserious report. The sooner David Ellison takes over that network, the better."

"Another example of a fake headline that I saw yesterday, War Widening," he continued. "Here's a real headline for you for an actual patriotic press. How about Iran Shrinking, Going Underground?"

"You see, Iran's leaders are hiding in bunkers and moving into civilian areas," he added. "The only thing that is widening is our advantage."

Here's an idea for you, Hegs: Shut the fuck up. I'm fairly certain that turning a children's school into a graveyard is going to be a Big Boy problem for him. Hegseth wants to come across as George Patton, whom the Germans feared, but he's crying like a little boy because he got a bad grade from the media.