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Bill Maher issues his new rules based on the pathetic performance of the Republican candidates last week.

New Rule: Jay Leno must sue Katie Couric. Last week Katie Couric got big laughs by asking some ignorant dumbass basic questions about current events. I'm sorry, but that's a Leno bit called "Jay-Walking" and he's been doing it for years. And by the way, Katie, Jay uses real people, not that actress you obviously hired. I mean, nobody in real life is that clueless. [..]

And finally, new rule: If you take the debating part out of a debate, it’s not a debate. Maybe it’s me, but I can’t take one more debate where undecided voters ask, “Do you favor giving us stuff?” To which the candidate responds, “That’s a great question, Slingblade.” And then launches straight in to his stump speech. I’ve seen tougher questions asked of Ron Popeil. In the VP debate, Sarah Palin even announced that she wasn’t going to answer the questions and would just say whatever the hell she wanted! Yes, we have a format for that. It’s called a speech. This is like if Peyton Manning stepped on the field on Sunday and said, “You know what? Today I’m going to play soccer.”

You know, folks, we live in a deeply divided country. Despite all of Obama’s soaring oratory about “no red states or blue states, but the United States,” the truth is we hate each other’s guts. And the debates should reflect that reality. We should get rid of those undecided numbskulls and opening the questions to the most hardcore, angry partisans we can find and let them drill away at the guy they hate.

Full transcript below the fold...

New rule: John McCain has to stop saying, “I know how to get Osama bin Laden”. Well if you do, tell us, Mr. Country First. Does it involve laser beams on sharks? Is it something you read in a Hardy Boys book? Are you going to track him like Rambo, call in the coordinates and then have Palin shoot him from a helicopter?

New rule: CNN has to get rid of that stupid voter reaction graph. At least when McCain is talking. Every time I look at the screen, I think, ‘oh my God, he’s dead.’

And speaking of TV screens that are too busy: new rule: stop drawing stuff on my football field. Because I think we all know where this is headed.

New rule: Bird watchers have to wear uniforms, so I don’t mistake them for perverts trying to peak in my window. Look, I’m sorry I chased you down the street naked screaming. I thought you were TMZ. Can’t we let bygones be bygones and agree to drop the charges? Look on the bright side. For a bunch of octagenarians, you ladies sure can run. Oh I don’t need your pity.

New rule: Jay Leno must sue Katie Couric. Last week, Katie Couric got big laughs by asking some ignorant dumbass basic questions about current events. I’m sorry, but that’s a Leno bit called “Jaywalking” and he’s been doing it for years. And by the way Katie, Jay uses real people, not that actress you obviously hired. I mean , nobody in real life is that clueless.

And finally, new rule: If you take the debating part out of a debate, it’s not a debate. Maybe it’s me, but I can’t take one more debate where undecided voters ask, “Do you favor giving us stuff?” To which the candidate responds, “That’s a great question, Slingblade.” And then launches straight in to his stump speech. I’ve seen tougher questions asked of Ron Popeil. In the VP debate, Sarah Palin even announced that she wasn’t going to answer the questions and would just say whatever the hell she wanted! Yes, we have a format for that. It’s called a speech. This is like if Peyton Manning stepped on the field on Sunday and said, “You know what? Today I’m going to play soccer.”

You know, folks, we live in a deeply divided country. Despite all of Obama’s soaring oratory about “no red states or blue states, but the United States,” the truth is we hate each other’s guts. And the debates should reflect that reality. We should get rid of those undecided numbskulls and opening the questions to the most hardcore, angry partisans we can find and let them drill away at the guy they hate. And here at Real Time, we did just that.

Here are some of the questions we asked or people asked of us...of the candidates. Patrica Martin of Baltimore asked – she’s a McCain supporter – she asked Obama: Senator, when you were on your annual pilgrimage to Mecca, will Joe Biden serve as Acting President or will you be able to maintain your constitutional duties while waging jihad?

Lupe Altaveros of Yuma, Arizona, an Obama supporter, asks Senator McCain: Senator, this year, the NY Times printed a front page story alleging that you had a recent affair with a blonde lobbyist lady. But the story disappeared because the lady disappeared. And I’d like to know how you killed her. Did you bury her under one of your 13 houses? Or stuff her in the trunk of one of your 11 ca rs?

Jim Bob Billy Bob of Clearfield, Pennsylvania, a McCain supporter, asks: Senator Obama, why are you so black?

Tony B. from Brooklyn, an Obama supporter, asks: Sen. McCain, you dragged your adorable 96 year old mother around with you to show us that in McCain years, you’re still a teenager. Which would explain your behavior. But did being 72 give you pause when you chose Gov. Palin? And a followup question: Sarah Palin, are you fucking kidding me?

A Mr. Ice Cold Ghost Killa from Compton, California, who is a McCain supporter, that’s a surprise, and his question to Obama is: Sen. Obama, that old white man and his bitch keep lying about you and you never call them out on it. Does your wife keep your balls in her purse or does she keep them in a box at home?

And Gordie Levinson, an Obama supporter from Seattle, asks Sen. McCain: Senator, you preface every remark with “my friends”. If I am truly your friend, can I crash in one of your houses for a while because I just lost mine to a bank that imploded. Thanks for the regulation, numbnuts!