From The Colbert Report:

The American government can use the defense budget to pay for health care and just turn sick people into a weapons program.

From The Colbert Report:

Teens, sex is as natural as the birds and the bees because you will be stung to death and have your eyes violently pecked out.

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A lot of people are wondering where the "old John McCain" went? Stephen goes looking.

Colbert: Now, many Americans are feeling confused about the Senator, because earlier in the campaign John McCain made promises like this.

McCain: "I pledged at that time and I pledge again a respectful campaign, a respectful campaign based on this issues. People say, 'well, negative ads move numbers.' Well, they may, but do we have to go to the lowest common denominator?"

Colbert: No, we don't. McCain's ads prove we can stay below it. So what has happened to John McCain. I think I may have the answer...

Senator Obama should cut an ad juxtaposing McCain's previous promises of positive campaigning with the disgusting sleaze we're seeing today. We ought to shame him for becoming the very same despicable pol he's always denounced.

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Stephen Colbert delineates the way that John McCain attempts to diversify and distinguish himself from George Bush: by the way he characterizes his stances.

It's no secret that one of John McCain's biggest challenges as a candidate is distinguishing himself from President Bush.  I'm not sure why he's eager to spurn President Bush's supporters.  I mean, that's walking away from almost 29% of the American electorate and nearly half the Bush children.  

But he's so different from Bush already.  The only issues they agree on are education, immigration, Iraq, abortion, Supreme Court judges, Social Security, tax breaks for the wealthy, wiretapping, trade, healthcare, the Middle East, same sex marriage and Medicare.  

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Stephen Colbert--in his own inimitable style--accuses the media of having torture fatigue for completely ignoring the story of the secret torture memos in favor of navel gazing on debates and the presidential race.

Not one of these shows did a roundtable on the legality of naked stress positions in frigid temperatures. Because, folks, what the president does is no longer the story. The story is who will be the next guy to detain enemy combatants.[..]

Why pay attention to him? And the less people pay attention to him, the more he can do all the things that he doesn't want people to pay attention to. So ladies and gentlemen of the media, by all means, focus on what percentage Fred Thompson will beat McCain among moderate, conservative, pro-gun lobby, anti-socialized healthcare, pro-anti-immigration reform, Hispanic nursemaids. Please, keep treating the president like a lame duck and that will allow him to be the mightiest duck this nation has ever seen.

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Stephen Colbert objects to having his words held up to scrutiny.

That's right, hate mongers like Media Matters take innocent statements like mine, Rush Limbaugh's, John Gibson's, and Bill O'Reilly's and make them offensive by posting them on the internet, allowing the general public to hear words that were meant for people who already agree with us. Media Matters, you want to end offensive speech? Then stop recording it for people who would be offended.