In January, voyeuristic Republican Representative Bart Korman introduced House Bill 2059, which requires full disclosure when a lobbyist has sex with a Missouri legislator. The reason Mr. Korman and his fellow Missouri perverts hope to document and make this information public isn’t clear.

It raises questions such as: “Would a value for all that booty have to be listed on the Missouri disclosure report? How about the juicy details? Who is going to read this? And what dollar figure should be put on these liaisons?” As it turns out, the Missouri Ethics Committee is the organization that has to sort out all of these issues, none of which the bill spelled out.

One person in the Committee was willing to speak about those issues, but only anonymously. (She doesn’t want her name to come up when people Google terms like “lobbyist sluts in Missouri,” which seems reasonable.) She provided some answers and also pointed out some issues that are still unclear in terms of procedure.

The unquestionable part is that anyone can be a lobbyist in Missouri by filling out this form and then stating an issue that they would like to promote. Then they produce a list of legislators and legislative staff members to target regarding that issue that they care about so passionately. Then they decide for themselves how to sway the people on the short list toward agreeing their side of the issue. This might include sending fruit baskets, an Amazon gift certificate, dinner, handing them $5,000 or, if the mood is right, locking the door and dimming the lights.

If they choose the latter, they have to surf over to this site and write down what they “gave away,” to whom they gave it, when they provided the service, the motivation, who was there and … here’s where it gets fun … the dollar value of the “gift.” According to the source at the Ethics Committee, the kinks really haven’t been worked out regarding a price tag on the sex part.

For example, no one can figure out who decides the value of these now-reportable gifts. Does someone like Mr. Korman say “Hey, that was a million dollar blow job – go write that down on your report and I’ll put your number on the bathroom stall”?

Or does the accommodating slut-shamed lobbyist put a price tag on it himself or herself? They are, after all, the ones who have to fill out the form.

Perhaps Missouri will develop a manual like “everything you need to know about freelance rates, pricing, and fees” such as the one used by the Freelancers Union – if just to serve as a pricing guideline. What’s also unclear is whether legislators plan to incentivize the lobbyists by passing laws to make sex gifts tax deductible. The latter is merely one of speculation.

By law, no later than the 10th of every month, each lobbyist’s must file a publicly available report on his or her lobbying activities. This is distributed to every person holding elected office in Missouri. So, presumably, if a constituent has business with the state, perhaps he or she shouldn’t bother calling a representative until the 11th. The Show-Me State legislators will probably be too busy reading the sordid details of what happened behind each other’s closed doors the month before.

 

 

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