Y’all, I’m creeped out.

A recording of Ted Cruz’s Dad, everybody’s favorite delusional uncle, says that the Cruz family prayed for six damn months asking God’s will for Ted. You know, after six months with no answer, I’d figure that God wants me to get up and go feed the poor.

Honestly, God left me a pretty detailed explanation of what he wants me to do in the New Testament. I think it’s kinda rude to keep asking God for some damn sign – like a dove or a burning bush.

When Jesus taught us to pray there was none of that, “Should I buy a Cadillac or a Buick?” stuff in it. It was basically just give me some food, keep me from sinning as much as possible, and thy will be done.

Anyway, when six months of prayer didn’t work, the entire family went to Houston, Texas, where God spends his winters, and …

“After the church service, we all gathered at the pastor’s office,” said Cruz, who is a pastor himself. “We were on our knees for two hours seeking God’s will. At the end of that time, a word came through his wife, Heidi. And the word came, just saying, ‘Seek God’s face, not God’s hand.'”

I think that means buy the Buick.

So, if the word came through Heidi, that means that God isn’t speaking to Ted Cruz.

I figured it all along.