After Us Weekly Magazine published their recent article about Hillary Clinton, “25 Things You Don't Know About Me,” in the interest of “equal time,” Real Time host Bill Maher shared their version of Ted Cruz' article, which Maher said was coming out next week.

Some highlights:

I spent my entire freshman year of high school stuffed in a locker.

As a child, I used to imagine what it must be live to have an imaginary friend.

My nickname at Princeton was Fuckface.

Mirrors don't show my reflection.

I named the stick up my ass, “Hank.”

My Cuban half once robbed my Canadian half at knifepoint.