I've only been Associate Editor of Crooks and Liars since January, and in that short time I never would have expected that I would have to write a post about Ted Cruz and dildos. It was bad enough that we had to think about Ted Cruz having sex at all, let alone with multiple alleged mistresses. Now we find out that as Texas Solicitor General, Ted Cruz decided the state had a legal interest in making sure phallic-shaped items like "Doc Johnson's American Bombshell Bunker Buster" and the "Falcon Man-rammer Extreme" could not be sold in the Lonestar State.

Yes, you'll have to Google those items yourself, this is a family blog. And yes, there's a Red-State-colored "Ted Cruz dildo" out there on the interwebs, also. Not going there either.

This story is reported in Mother Jones, that in 2008, Texas Solicitor General Ted Cruz went to court to defend a law banning the sale of sex toys. "The brief by Cruz's office compared the use of sex toys to 'hiring a willing prostitute or engaging in consensual bigamy,' and it equated advertising these products with the commercial promotion of prostitution."

But US Court of Appeals for the 5th Circuit thought this argument was stupid.

"An individual who wants to legally use a safe sexual device during private intimate moments alone or with another is unable to legally purchase a device in Texas, which heavily burdens a constitutional right." It rejected the argument from Cruz's team that the government had a legitimate role to play in "discouraging prurient interests in autonomous sex and the pursuit of sexual gratification unrelated to procreation." No, government officials could not claim as part of their job duties the obligation to reduce masturbation or nonprocreative sexual activity. And the two judges in the majority slapped aside the solicitor general's attempt to link dildos to prostitution: "The sale of a device that an individual may choose to use during intimate conduct with a partner in the home is not the 'sale of sex' (prostitution)."

It's too bad the Federal courts haven't yet caught up with the "heavily burdens a constitutional right" thing in Planned Parenthood cases, but I digress.

Sorry, Ted Cruz. You lost your holy crusade against items like the CodeBlack Double Penetrator Vac-U-Lock and the LoveHoney Triple Tickler Everlasting Wishbone. But keep it up, cowboy, some day you and your alleged and failed sexcapades will be a Wikipedia footnote.

UPDATE: Oh that former roommate of Ted Cruz is just the gift that keeps on giving.

Ted Cruz thinks people don't have a right to "stimulate their genitals." I was his college roommate. This would be a new belief of his.

— Craig Mazin (@clmazin) April 13, 2016