Alex Jones is a terribly unhappy person, as his former wife acknowledges. Who wouldn't be unhappy living in a world of gay frogs, government-created "weather weapons" and rampant crisis actors staging mass shootings left and right? What a miserably fevered-brain place to live.

And now, Jones has another thing about which to be very, very unhappy: Child porn found on his computer by the FBI.

Who could do such a thing? What evil truth-hider implanted malware on his computer (because that's the only way that child porn could be found on his hard drive, naturally)? Jones (and his poor, beset attorney) want to know.

Infowars founder Alex Jones and his lawyer, Norm Pattis, say the conspiracy theory aficionado was the target of a malware attack that left child pornography embedded on his servers, a move which they say sparked an FBI investigation.

With Pattis by his side on his show Friday, Jones exploded into a five-minute rant before announcing he would fork over $1 million to whoever finds the culprit.

“You’re trying to set me up with child porn, I’m going to get your ass. One million dollars, one million dollars you little gang member. One million dollars to put your head on a pike. One million dollars, bitch,” Jones shouted, adding, “You’re not going to ever defeat Texas, you sacks of shit.”

After initially offering $100,000 before bumping up that sum, Jones said, “I don’t have a lot of money, but I’ll sell my house.”

Jones went on to say that he doesn't get off on child porn (he prefers transgender porn, donchaknow?), not like those Democrats and their crisis actors. Boy, that attorney better have a sizable retainer, because I can't wait to see how that line of defense works in the courts.