Dear Men: Masks Don't Make You Look Weak, You Idiots
Cannot believe we have to say this during a pandemic, but masks have no gender or strength implications. But if it makes you feel better, fellas, we invented a hashtag for you. They're "MASKULINE!"
Dear Men,
Y'all are morons.
We need to talk. Apparently, a large percentage of you don't wanna wear masks in public because you think it makes you look weak/unmanly/uncool. According to Business Insider,
"Men more than women agree that wearing a face covering is shameful, not cool, a sign of weakness, and a stigma," the study authors wrote.
Mind you, the study shows that in countries where masks are mandatory, that feeling of stigma and difference in gender opinions disappears. This proves unequivocally that men are indeed spineless jackasses who, when given a choice, will choose dumbf*ckery over common sense, because they won't do what is right if some moron might make fun of them. But when told by leaders they must do something, and everyone else is doing it, they comply because again, they are spineless jackasses.
I say that with love, truly, I do.
If you are a man, or identify as such, and this does not apply to you, (and/or you have an actual legitimate reason for not wearing a mask) please insert Nancy Pelosi State Of The Union Clap here. Braaaaavo. If you feel the impulse to come here whining about my reverse sexism (which isn't a THING) use that energy instead to procure extra masks to carry around and offer to men you see who aren't wearing them and inform that alllllll the cool manly dudes are wearing them. Maybe include the little nugget, too, that men may be more at risk for being infected with COVID-19 than women.
Then you can let them know that even some of the most powerful men in our nation are wearing masks, and some of them are even Republicans. I have to say, though, I am irrationally upset that I didn't get the chance to make the Johnny Cash crack before this dude did.
Tim Kaine once shot a man in Reno just to watch him die pic.twitter.com/ji9czgv6c4
— Michael Cohen (@speechboy71) May 12, 2020
Not a tuna melt, but it will have to do. https://t.co/o4ctBt4laj
— Tim Kaine (@timkaine) May 12, 2020
This Senate ain’t big enough for the both of us, @jontester! https://t.co/hudOTCXaDb
— Tim Kaine (@timkaine) May 16, 2020
Did I spot Sen. Richard Burr in there? And look, fellas! Another U.S. Senator named Tim, Tim Scott is super manly in his mask! And he is even a Republican from South Carolina! Sporting the ever-popular Stars and Stripes motif! For real, are you gonna tell me that dude looks WEAK???
It was a pleasure preparing meals with my staff for @WCKitchen @Nationals Park! @chefjoseandres and I will continue to find ways to create partnerships to help feed the hungry. #FEEDAct pic.twitter.com/GsfCa8S3tC
— Tim Scott (@SenatorTimScott) May 13, 2020
Here's my very own Senator, Chris Van Hollen, who in my opinion is not getting NEARLY enough credit for his silver fox status, sporting a Baltimore Orioles mask:
The Baltimore Hunger Project is one of many Maryland volunteer organizations that has dramatically increased its efforts to provide food to needy families. Thank you! Congress boosted food assistance in the CARES Act, but much more is needed in the next round. pic.twitter.com/c0w5s9kito
— Senator Chris Van Hollen (@ChrisVanHollen) May 11, 2020
And if you STILL need me to play Alice to your fragile Ralph Kramden, here are pictures of many, many manly men who are pictured wearing their hot, sexy, strong masks. Each and every one of them is a delectable snack. You, too, can be heroes and strong, powerful protectors of your families and INDEED THE PLANET by wearing a mask when you go outside, you hunka hunka burnin' love.
MWWWAAAAAHHHH.
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Okay, this shirt, though? LOLOLOL
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A post shared by Salvatore Rianna (@salvatorerianna70) on May 15, 2020 at 3:39pm PDT
And who doesn't love a man in uniform, playing guitar, AND wearing a mask? HOT.
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A post shared by BackPack Thrills (@backpackthrillsofficial) on May 15, 2020 at 3:32pm PDT
So, please. Please wear your damn masks. Wash your damn hands. Women everywhere will swoon, I promise, ya jackasses. And to prove it, I even bought the domain name, Maskuline.com and its variations. I'm not sure what the hell I'm gonna do with it, but it was a good pun, it may become a hashtag, and my boss, Karoli said it was a good idea. (WHO IS THE JACKASS NOW, I ASK YOU?)
So, the least you can do to make up for the fact that I had to write about this ridiculousness, is to help get that hashtag trending.
Masks! They're #MASKULINE!