The jury reached its verdict Thursday in Donald Trump's hush money/election interference criminal trial, and they determined that the adulterous beauty pageant barker is guilty, guilty, guilty, guilty, guilty, guilty, guilty, guilty, guilty, guilty, guilty, guilty, guilty, guilty, guilty, guilty, guilty, guilty, guilty, guilty, guilty, guilty, guilty, guilty, guilty, guilty, guilty, guilty, guilty, guilty, guilty, guilty, guilty, and guilty. Trump is now a felon after being found guilty on all 34 charges.

Trump's last post on Truth Social in a series reads, "VICTORY ON NOVEMBER 5TH. SAVE AMERICA!!!" with his supporters vigorously posting memes right behind him as if that will help a multiply convicted felon. It won't. What Trump meant in his post is, 'Please elect me. I'm going to prison, and I'm scared. Help me!"

Fuck you, Lumpy. So, of course, the usual grifty email was launched not more than 10 minutes after the verdicts.

"BREAKING FROM TRUMP: I AM A POLITICAL PRISONER!" it reads. "Conover: Is this the end of America? I was just convicted in a RIGGED political Witch Hunt trial: I DID NOTHING WRONG!"

"They've raided my home, arrested me, took my mugshot, AND NOW THEY'VE JUST CONVICTED ME!" he continued. "But with your support at this moment in history, WE WILL WIN BACK THE WHITE HOUSE AND MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN!"

"Crooked Joe Biden needs to get the message - right here, right now - that his chances of a 2nd term END TODAY!" he wrote. "BUT FOR THAT TO HAPPEN, OUR IMMEDIATE PUSHBACK MUST BE SO MASSIVE, IT WILL GO DOWN IN HISTORY! WE MUST MAKE JOE BIDEN REGRET EVER COMING AFTER US!"

Here it comes:

"My end-of-month fundraising deadline is just DAYS AWAY!" he said. "Before the day is over, I'm calling on TEN MILLION pro-Trump patriots to chip in and say, "I STAND WITH PRESIDENT TRUMP!"

"Remember, YOUR SUPPORT IS THE ONLY THING STANDING BETWEEN US AND TOTAL TYRANNY!" he added. "So I'm humbly asking for you to please, please, PLEASE join me at this dark hour. I know with you by my side, we will peacefully win back the White House and MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN! Now is the time to CHIP IN and help me SAVE AMERICA."

Hard pass, you felonious wanker. I'm having a Lady Justice Boner, and not even Donald Trump's email feigning victimization can change that. But after four hours, if this keeps up, I'll call a doctor. Meanwhile, Trump can cry all he wants to, but at least he's not alone. Trump is joining a long list of unsavory felons, including Trump’s Chief Strategist, Steve Bannon. Trump’s Campaign Chair, Paul Manafort. Trump’s National Security Advisor, Michael Flynn, and Trump’s Advisor, Roger Stone.

But sure, Trump is innocent (wink wink). And he might want to look up the definition of a political prisoner while he's at it. Lumpy hasn't even been sentenced yet.