Whether he's issuing Fatwahs on South American leaders, blaming natural disasters on reproductive rights, or claiming he can leg press 2,000 pounds with the aid of his eponymous "age-defying" protein shake, Pat Robertson never makes sense.

Well, with a big h/t to Right Wing Watch, I've learned to never say never:

Answering a 700 Club caller's question, Robertson says, “Halloween is Satan’s night, it’s the night for the devil. It’s All Hallow’s Eve but it's time when witches and goblins--”

Preach, Brother! Preach! Halloween has its roots in pagan traditions predating Christianity. Just like Easter. It's, therefor, under the sway of dark and nougaty forces. Just like Easter.

Robertson's Christian Broadcasting Network has warned us about the evils of Halloween before. In a now-expunged article from '09, writer Kimberly Daniels reported that “most of the candy sold during this season has been dedicated and prayed over by witches.”

Of course! How else do you explain those talking M&Ms? I pretended to email Mars, Incorporated about this, and I pretended they answered by sending me a shrunken head in the mail. And all this time, you thought Mars, Inc. was only evil because they use child labor in Africa.

Wait a minute...Côte d'Ivoire produces roughly 43 percent of the world's cocoa; 95 percent of people in that Sub-Saharan Republic personally believe in witchcraft; Robertson staunchly defended their illegitimate, Christian President/Thug Laurent Gbagbo...this is all making a lot of sense, in a very convoluted Da Vinci Code sort of way.

According to Daniels, "Curses are sent through the tricks and treats of the innocent whether they get it by going door to door or by purchasing it from the local grocery store. The demons cannot tell the difference.” That's why I make my own chocolate with my own African kids.

In CBN's most recent spiritual assault on Satan's Night Halloween, Robertson adds, “It's skeletons and all this, like the dead rising. Churches shouldn’t do that, you should do something else besides having a haunted house.”

He's so right; the only haunted houses churches should be involved with are hell houses – the often graphic and horrifying vignettes depicting the sins of abortion, alcohol and drug use, suicide, and teh gay. You know, for the kids.

And churches should definitely have nothing to do with walking skeletons. There's simply nothing less Christian than the risen dead.

Murphy is the evil editor of The BEAST. If you follow him on Twitter, he might start using it.