The only time I have ever antagonized a churchgoer on purpose was back in 2008, when I was leaving a Yes on Prop 8 rally and told one of the haters Jesus was a socialist. I thought he was going to come after me with a baseball bat over that.

Forget the Sermon on the Mount and all those loaves and fishes, folks. Jesus didn't feed anyone. He must have served up Happy Meals from the Mount of Olives or something for a buck apiece.

That Last Supper thing? You missed the part where it was separate checks.

Feeding the five thousand? Didn't happen, because Fox Business idjut Charlie Gasparino is here to tell you Jesus was a capitalist.

"Is the Pope a commie?" asks Gasparino.

"I believe Jesus was a capitalist. Jesus would say thank you for making money," he concluded.

Which is, of course, why Jesus tossed out the merchants and moneychangers from the temple, amirite?