While speaking to reporters on the south lawn of the White House before boarding Marine One, Donald Trump once again played the role of Crazy Uncle Liberty and outright denied the undeniable conclusion of government scientists who warn that: a) Climate change is real; and b) Economic harm is coming to the United States as a consequence of it.

He just...doesn't believe it, so bury it and distract. When he was asked during a rambling and mostly incoherent interview with the Washington Post who apparently is not Satan when they send out their Bureau Chief and star reporter for a sit-down about his skepticism, Crazy Uncle Liberty Who Lives In The White House went off:

"One of the problems that a lot of people like myself — we have very high levels of intelligence, but we’re not necessarily such believers," Trump explained. "You look at our air and our water, and it’s right now at a record clean."

A record clean. And of course, clean air and water is important, but we are talking about global warming right now which is more than the sum total of whether we have polluted water and air, or whether steps have been taken to mitigate that, no thanks to Trump and his rollback of regulations.

"But when you look at China and you look at parts of Asia and when you look at South America, and when you look at many other places in this world, including Russia, including — just many other places — the air is incredibly dirty," he continued.

Okaaaaaay.

"And when you’re talking about an atmosphere, oceans are very small. And it blows over and it sails over. I mean, we take thousands of tons of garbage off our beaches all the time that comes over from Asia. It just flows right down the Pacific, it flows, and we say where does this come from. And it takes many people to start off with."

WTF did he just say? Can you figure this out? Should we even try? And what in the holy fck does any of this have to do with climate change?

But wait. There's more. That's right. "Global freezing."

"Number two, if you go back and if you look at articles, they talked about global freezing, they talked about at some point the planets could have freeze to death, then it’s going to die of heat exhaustion. There is movement in the atmosphere. There’s no question," he blabbled.

"As to whether or not it’s man-made and whether or not the effects that you’re talking about are there, I don’t see it — not nearly like it is," he said.

Narrator voice-over: He just returned from California where fires destroyed the air quality, the forests, killed dozens of people, and burned an entire town. But he doesn't see any man-made effects. Alrighty then.

But wait, there's more. There's ALWAYS more.

"Do we want clean water? Absolutely. Do we want clean air to breathe? Absolutely," he declared. Oh, thank God. I was sure he wanted filthy disgusting ridiculously particulate-laden toxic air to breathe.

AAAAAAND, we're back to raking the FEDERALLY OWNED FOREST:

"The fire in California, where I was, if you looked at the floor, the floor of the fire, they have trees that were fallen, they did no forest management, no forest maintenance, and you can light — you can take a match like this and light a tree trunk when that thing is laying there for more than 14 or 15 months," he lied. "And it’s a massive problem in California."

No. The massive problem in California is hot, hot, dry winds (EXACERBATED BY GLOBAL WARMING) roaring from east to west causing firestorms to ignite and burn like the fires in the pit of the ninth circle of Satan's hell.

When Dawsey pressed Trump on this point, he watched more angels dance on the head of a pin as he observed, "Josh, you go to other places where they have denser trees — it’s more dense, where the trees are more flammable — they don’t have forest fires like this, because they maintain."

"And it was very interesting, I was watching the firemen, and they’re raking brush — you know the tumbleweed and brush, and all this stuff that’s growing underneath. It’s on fire, and they’re raking it, working so hard, and they’re raking all this stuff. If that was raked in the beginning, there’d be nothing to catch on fire," he insisted. "It’s very interesting to see. A lot of the trees, they took tremendous burn at the bottom, but they didn’t catch on fire. The bottom is all burned but they didn’t catch on fire because they sucked the water, they’re wet."

"You need forest management, and they don’t have it," he concluded.

My inner narrator is now shouting: YOU ARE THE BOSS OF THE FEDERAL LANDS, YOU WHACKED OUT ORANGE PIECE OF DETRITUS ON THE FOREST FLOOR! IF YOU WANT THE FOREST RAKED, ORDER IT DONE.

But really, this is nothing more than the ramblings of an ignorant, stubborn Fox News viewer, right? This is the product of 20 years of lies, more lies, and still more lies. It's not really even worth asking him about topics like this, because it just gives him a chance to feed his cult some more bullsh*t that feels good to them but only applies on Planet B, which is not where we live.