Meet Biff™ and Bitty™. They're Mitt Romney's new best friends, and they attend every fundraiser, provided it's in the Hamptons and is hosted by the creme de la creme of the 1 percent.

Biff™ and Bitty™* think of themselves as VIPs.

A woman in a blue chiffon dress poked her head out of a black Range Rover here on Sunday afternoon and yelled to an aide to Mitt Romney, “Is there a V.I.P. entrance. We are V.I.P.”

Of course, gentle reader, they must be VIPs because, well, they're in The Hamptons and they've just shelled out a whole lot of money to chomp bonbons and drink champagne with Mitt whilst rubbing elbows with the moneyed elite from Wall Street to Overland Park, Kansas, after all.

Biff™ and Bitty™ don't think much of the people beneath them, beginning with the current President of the United States, who simply does not suit.

A few cars back, Ted Conklin, the owner of the American Hotel in Sag Habor, N.Y., long a favorite of the well-off and well-known in the Hamptons, could barely contain his displeasure with Mr. Obama. “He is a socialist. His idea is find a problem that doesn’t exist and get government to intervene,” Mr. Conklin said from inside a gold-colored Mercedes as his wife, Carol Simmons, nodded in agreement.

Ms. Simmons paused to highlight what she said was her husband’s generous spirit: “Tell them who’s on your yacht this weekend! Tell him!”

Over Mr. Conklin’s objections, Ms. Simmons disclosed that a major executive from Miramax, the movie company, was on the 75-foot yacht, because, she said, there were no rooms left at the hotel.

That poor Miramax executive, stuck on a big boat with all those giant, 40-room homes in the Hamptons? No room at the mansion? Or wasn't he 1% enough for them?

Biff™ and Bitty™ are always so concerned about those who aren't quite up to their level of understanding. They're especially concerned about those "low-information voters" who just don't understand:

A New York City donor a few cars back, who also would not give her name, said Romney needed to do a better job connecting. “I don’t think the common person is getting it,” she said from the passenger seat of a Range Rover stamped with East Hampton beach permits. “Nobody understands why Obama is hurting them.

“We’ve got the message,” she added. “But my college kid, the baby sitters, the nails ladies — everybody who’s got the right to vote — they don’t understand what’s going on. I just think if you’re lower income — one, you’re not as educated, two, they don’t understand how it works, they don’t understand how the systems work, they don’t understand the impact.“

Gawd, it's tough being Biff™ and Bitty™. All around them there are nails ladies and babysitters who just don't understand that the black guy in the White House is out to get them, each and every one. And he has disappointed them so. Here they stepped up and donated and stuff in 2008 because he was a black guy full of hope and possibility, at least as far as possibility meant bowing and scraping to their demands, and yet. He passed that Republican socialist health care plan and ZOMG, Dodd-Frank! How will they survive another four years of THAT?

Biff™ and Bitty™ are fearless, too. They aren't afraid to stand up for their principles, unless those principles would cost them business. Can't have that!

A money manager in a green Jeep said it was time for Romney to "up his game and be more reactive." So far, said the donor, who declined to give his name because he said it would hurt his business, Romney has had a "very timid offense."

Ooooh, brave Biff™! Giving Mittens that advice while living in fear of losing business for having an opinion! This is Your Republican Party, folks. Step up and look close.

Twitter eavesdroppers have left us some nuggets from the Big Parties In The Hamptons. Enjoy! Share! We may not get to eat the bonbons but we can share the bon mots.

*Biff™ and Bitty™: Trademarked representatives of the anonymous .01 percent