There's Nothing Like O'Reilly Intoning: 'Say Baby, Put Down That Pipe'

[H/t Blue Gal] Alan Scherstuhl at the Village Voice's Runnin' Scared blog recently made available some prime audio clips of Bill O'Reilly reading a

[H/t Blue Gal]

Alan Scherstuhl at the Village Voice's Runnin' Scared blog recently made available some prime audio clips of Bill O'Reilly reading aloud from what is universally acclaimed as his creepiest (not to mention most hypocrisy-inducing) book:

That honor goes to Those Who Trespass, his 1998 novel about an O'Reilly-esque TV journalist who is trained by an Irish Republican Army terrorist to kill the people who deserve it the most: the broadcast news bastards who interfered with the O'Reilly character's career. It's personal on the political level, too -- his victims includes a powerful "bitch" named Hillary and a fat "slob" named Martin Moore.

The prime lines:

"Say baby, put down that pipe and get my pipe up."

"I would like you to unhook your bra and let it slide down your arms. You can keep your shirt on."

"Cup your hands under your breasts and hold them for ten seconds."

"Off with those pants."

"I wish I were a lesbian."

So BlueGal concocted the mashup above, with O'Reilly's appearance on The View. Enjoy.

BTW, the plot of Those Who Trespass is something else:

The antagonist is a tall, "no-nonsense" television journalist named Shannon Michaels, described as the product of two Celtic parents, who is pushed out by Global News Network, and systematically murders the people who ruined his career.

Meanwhile, the protagonist, a "straight-talking" Irish-American New York City homicide detective named Tommy O’Malley, is charged with solving the murders that Michaels has committed, while competing with Michaels for the heart of Ashley Van Buren, a blond, sexy aristocrat turned crime columnist. Some reviewers have claimed that Michaels and O'Malley are "thinly veiled versions" of O'Reilly.

Michael's first victim is a news correspondent who stole his story in Argentina, and got him into trouble with the network. He then stalks the woman who forced his resignation from the network and throws her off a balcony. After that he murders a television research consultant who had advised the local station to dismiss him by burying him in beach sand up to his neck and letting him slowly drown. Finally, during a break in the Radio and Television News Directors Association convention, he slits the throat of the station manager. After this, he is pursued by O'Malley and Van Buren, where he attempts to lose them by crossing a runway in front of a speeding jet. Although he makes it, his car's right back tire is cut by the jet's wing, causing the car to spin, flip over, and be subsequently melted by the exhaust from the jet, which explodes. Michaels dies in extreme agony, as his contacts (used to hide his identity) burn into his eyes and a chunk of the car crushes his head in.

Sounds like a work with real deep moral insight. My kinda culture warrior.

About David Neiwert

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