If you need someone to wage a "spiritual battle" on your behalf, would you choose alleged serial sexual harasser Rep. Madison Cawthorn for the job?

If your answer is "Yes!" then fear not! He has volunteered! At the North Carolina Faith & Freedom Coalition’s “Salt & Light Conference," Rep. Cawthorn addressed the crowd to reassure them that while Speaker Nancy Pelosi's eyes were indeed "cold" and "evil," he was just the man to look into them to square off against her in that vile pit of hell, Capitol Hill. And he would know! He visits Hitler's house for fun!

"When I’m in Washington, D.C., I know a lot of you consider the place to be evil and vile, and I am here to tell you with first-hand knowledge, it is evil and vile. But I will tell you when I’m there, I don’t feel an overwhelming sense of darkness as if the devil has complete dominion of that area because I feel a spiritual battle going on on Capitol Hill. And patriots like all of you in this room, on your knees, praying that we have the cover within the spiritual fight is what it will take to save this country,” sayeth he.

So hopeful! So encouraging! All southern white folks need do is to pray, and the devil shall be defeated! ON YOUR KNEES, PATRIOTS!

Cawthorn fabricated hyperbolic and overwrought descriptions of mUrDeRiNg bAbIeS as evidence of Pelosi's evil. In reality, she heads the caucus that passed a bill protecting women's right to reproductive health care, including abortion, after Texas nullified Roe v. Wade, but who needs accuracy and context when we're dealing with these idiots?

He went on, "She just passed a bill yesterday trying to say that we can abort babies on demand all the way up until right before the day of birth. When we hear this, when we hear the fact that if a baby comes through a botched abortion alive, sitting there on the table, they then still have the right to murder that child, we realize that when I quip and say, ‘I look her in her cold, evil eyes,’ it’s not a joke."

"These people hate us," he goaded, somehow making a bunch of white Christians the aggrieved party in the nation where 45 of 46 presidents have been white Christian males.

Then came the kicker.

“I will tell you, the only way that we take our country back is when strong, God-fearing patriots decide it is time for us to stand up and say, ‘No’ to your tyranny,” Cawthorn urged. “It is time for the American Christian church to come out of the shadows, to say no longer are we going to allow our culture to be determined by people who hate the things that we believe in."

I'm sorry, what?

Time for WHOM to come out of WHAT shadows? Since when was the Christian church in America ever in the damn shadows? If this is the church in the SHADOWS, I shudder to think what it's like fully emerged and visible...we live in a goddamned theocracy. In my county in Maryland, no one can buy a frikkin CAR on a Sunday because we still have Blue Laws on the books — in 2021!

Cawthorn's not worried about being in the shadows. He's worried about not being allowed to crack a whip from the driver's seat. And you know that, because he issues dire warnings about what might happen if they don't wield power.

"We are going to stand valiantly for God’s incredible, inerrant truths that predate any version of government. Because my friends, if we lose this country today, if we bend the knee to the Democrats today, our country will be lost forever, and our children will never know what freedom is. It’s our duty to stand up. I encourage you—let us stand united as men and women of faith to fight for our country!”

Bend the knee??? Where are we, in the Seven Kingdoms of Westeros? Cawthorn is every high school drama teacher's worst nightmare. He's every high school girl's worst nightmare. Hell, the list is too long. Let's just say he's everyone's worst nightmare.