Father's Day: Being a daddy really is the best job in the world
By David Neiwert Sunday Jun 21, 2009 5:30am
[Note: This is a piece I published this winter at SGI Quarterly, a Buddhist journal based in Japan. It in turn was derived from a couple of posts I wrote for Firedoglake. It seemed like an appropriate piece for Father's Day. Hope you enjoy. -- DN]
I knew from the time I was a teenager that if I ever got the opportunity, I wanted to try my hand at being a stay-at-home father. My youngest brother was born when I was 11 and I wound up learning a lot about child care – especially the knowledge that it was a special thing.
The opportunity didn’t come till I was in my forties, which was when my wife, Lisa, and I decided that it was finally time to have a child. I was looking for an opportunity to do something besides my longtime newsroom work, and she had just been hired by a major software company; we’d intended all along for one of us to remain at home when we did have a child, so I bid farewell to the regular paycheck, built up my freelance writing business from home, and when Fiona was born in May 2001, I launched into the serious work of being the primary caregiver for our baby girl.
That was more than seven years ago, and Fiona’s been in school full-time for over two years now; the intervening time has given me room to put the experience of being a stay-at-home dad in some perspective.
And I have to tell you: it's been without question the most satisfying and rewarding thing I've done in my life. When I shuffle off this mortal coil, it will be with the knowledge I really did accomplish something worthwhile, and nothing can take that away.
Perhaps more to the point, it's only confirmed my belief that it's an experience more men need. It's important not just for making men better fathers, but I think also for helping women be better mothers -- and most of all, for giving child-rearing the cherished and significant place it should have in broader society.
It was hard, often sleepless, often nerve-wracking, and sometimes unpleasant work, but it was also the best job I ever had. Yet as the months and years added up, and I spent days on end at playgrounds, gymnasiums, swimming pools, and in playdates, it became plain that there really is a certain amount of resistance among a lot of people to the concept of stay-at-home daddies.
And even though a lot of women thought it was neat that a man was being the primary caregiver, there was at times a certain resentment from some women over my invasion of what for them was their territory. Some of this was perfectly understandable; when Fiona was a toddler, the topics of conversation among the gathered mothers often veered into various complaints about female bodily functions, and became my habit to wander off at such moments.
Then there were moments -- whispered comments, offhand remarks, strange assumptions -- where I was reminded that a lot of people, both men and women, privately viewed stay-at-home daddies as wimps or out-of-work losers.
Well, all this faded to insignificance amid the daily reality of raising a child. It's impossible to put into words the immensity of the rewards that come with it: you watch them grow in body and spirit, become real little persons with real minds, dreams, and desires all their own, and you bond with them in a way that lasts for life and maybe beyond. I've done many good and rewarding things in my life, but none of them has meant quite as much as being Fiona's daddy. What other people thought, really, hardly mattered at all, because I knew the score.
Certainly, it never seemed to me that my masculinity might be at stake. Indeed, I've never encountered anything that came close to making me feel like a "real man" as being a daddy.
Caring for children teaches us patience and generosity -- forces it upon us, really -- and that makes better men, regardless of what the people who obsess about a fake notion of masculinity might say. A male presence (that is, if your notion of maleness is about strength and drive) also brings a groundedness and confidence to the table that I think nurtures children in important ways.
Encouraging stay-at-home fatherhood makes for a healthier society in a lot of ways. It makes us better fathers. That in turn makes for better-rounded children who are going to be better citizens. It also helps women whose goals might extend beyond family-rearing reach those goals. It makes more equal partners out of us, and I think makes for a stronger marriage.
I suspect, in fact, that part of my being enthralled with the job had to do with its being somewhat special -- sensing that in many ways, I scored extra points (in the great Parenting Game in the Sky) just for doing it. But this also made me realize that women don't get those extra points. They're expected to do the child-rearing, and so for them the job often loses its specialness, at least insofar as getting recognition and respect. It seemed to me that being a stay-at-home mom becomes drudgery for many women, and that is a sad thing, really. Yes, it is hard work, but it's great work.
Raising children -- especially in their first six years -- is something that a sane and healthy society should celebrate as one of its most cherished and celebrated jobs. It's how we shape our future, and that is a task for men and women alike, equally. It's a task to be embraced, not relegated to the back bench. And the more people – men and women alike – who learn that, the better off we all will be.
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When you're here and looking at the past...Welcomed Relief!
Except the ones who are fathers only in the sense that they provided the sperm. Males who provide sperm and nothing else aren't men or fathers.
But what if they anonymously donated it through a sperm bank to a needy woman?
I just got back from my cousin's wedding. It's her first and she says several of her friends have given up trying to find a guy and are getting the sperm from the bank and going it on their own.
Happy Father's Day!
I'm a stay at home dad for three daughters.
As far as what other people might think..."faded to insignificance amid the daily reality of raising a child" and "What other people thought, really, hardly mattered at all, because I knew the score."
Don't forget the impact on the child. My husband and I are self-employed and our flexible schedules allow us to coparent our daughter equally. I've watched my daughter grow up knowing that her father thinks she's the most important person in his world and worthy of his time. Her self-confidence and self-love couldn't be stronger. I contrast that to my own upbringing with a loving but largely absent father. I know that primarily because of my husband's involvement in her life, she will go out into the world with a strong sense of herself and very high expectations of the future men in her life. Kudos to all the men out there who understand how important their involvement is to the well-being of their children. Happy fathers day!
That pic is awesome! I would love to take my daughters for a spin in that catbus.
...when there are too many children, too fast, and/or one's life is "interrupted" in order to take on this new, often unplanned, role. How many young mothers do we see (or have we been ) with, as one old black lady neighbor put it, back when I lived in rural Alabama, "one in the yard, one in the lap, and one in the oven"? My daughter put her foot down after one child. This actually ended up leading to her divorce. Nobody was going to push her into anything she didn't really want to do; she has also seen the majority of women her age in the small mostly Mormon town, whose lives are totally dedicated to having and raising children. She is happy, has a good job-becoming-career, and is a wonderful mommy. And my grandson, now 5, is indeed a child like no other.
Hooray for D.N. here, whose life was dedicated during those important six years-- did you know that a human child learns half of what she will ever know, during that time?-- and learned a priceless lesson.
your article is wonderfull, but being a working father who was gone
8 till 5 daiy, I still like to think that I was very involved with my 3 children. my main point here is that you are still just getting started at being a parent. I first thought that I was having to be responsible for them until 18, then 21 then until college is paid for finally figuring out that I was their dad forever. LUCKY ME!!!
HAPPY DADS DAY
Day is not the day that is a good one in our home.It reminds me my own wonderful father is 24 years gone and now I'm left raising 4 sons on my own as their father is largely absent.It.s difficult to watch other revel in their happiness,and not be jealous.Sorry ,but that's just how it is for us.
It must be very hard for you! Are you getting all the help that you can from social service agencies and from your male friends and relatives? I hope that you can pass on to your sons the things that your father taught you, things that he would have wanted them to know. You have my sympathy -- and my admiration for all your hard work and love.
And Totoro! Where is this? The Ghibli museum in Japan?
No, it's at the Children's Museum in Seattle. There was a touring display of Ghibli Museum items that was there for about three months in the spring of 2004.
Who designed that thing? Tim Burton?
Fiona is one fortunate little girl. And her father is one lucky dad to call that cute little child his daughter. Happy Father's Day, David.
David please, I envy you sir givin you are a stay at home father that can. However my friend you aint seen nothing yet. Try telling her at 13 that while she may be the only girl in her crowd that dosn't wear makeup, crying isn't going to change your mind and making (with lots of love) her see the truth. Try telling the grocery clerk the Kotexs and panty liners are for your daughter and wipe that smirk off your face. Try telling her That the jackass she's been dootling on her notebook about for an entire semester is not the end-all be-all man in her life (with a straight face). Try explaining to her thats its normal for a girl at 16 to look at gay porn sites because the men are handsome and then try to keep your vehichle on the road when she replies "it wasn't their faces I was looking at, DAD!"
Try all this while running a construction crane 10-12 hours a day with no mom.
And then watch yourself bawl like a newborn baby girl when your 2 daughters accept their college diplomas.
Good luck my friend.
I think that the reason my dad went bald so quickly was due to the fact he has 3 girls. It saved him the trouble of tearing it out later. My dad bought my younger sister her first bra, has bought sanitary supplies, and told me at 22 "don't go looking for Mr Goodbar." I had NO clue what he was talking about, until I saw the film.
Dads rock. My dad would be at every event, whether it was me in a school play when I was a girl or to see me marching in my college's homecoming parade. To David and all the other dad's on here: treat your daughters well because you are the most important man in their lives, for the rest of their lives. I didn't go through a lot of the teenage traumas because I had my dad. He isn't the most forthcoming with his feelings, I can count on one hand how many times he's told me he loved me, but I wouldn't have it any other way.
My husband stayed at home with our son for 6 months and he loved it. My husband is a much better mother than I am and I wish we could afford for him to be a full-time dad. Children love my husband and he loves kids. I wish there was more incentive for men to stay at home if they wish. Stay-at-home- dads (and moms) are far from lazy-- you don't know the joy I felt at coming home to a spotless house and hot dinner after battling the commute! Our son is much closer to his dad than he is to me, and it doesn't bother me. I do joke that the baby we are expecting in 4 weeks will give me a chance to have a kid of my own!
Parenting is such a special thing that we need to really take seriously. No one thought I'd have children as it just wasn't something I ever really wanted to do, until I met my OH. Though in some respects, my husband is a better parent, I don't think I've done too badly. My son is brimming with self-confidence, loving, clever and quick-witted. He gets that from me! ;)
You are one funny dude. Touchee my friend and I pat you on the back for what you persevered with...the Gay Porn thing just killed me!
I have two little ones..9 and 7. Please may the gods help me...
Raising kids makes us better people. My wife is the primary caregiver, but I cherish all the time I get alone with my 4-year old son. It is a challenge and a delight and as good a learning experience regarding social interaction as one can have. For me, the two most important ingredients to supply are patience and love.
Happy Father's Day to all!
She must have gotten her good looks from her mom.:)
Cool lookin ride there.
That's a great picture of you and your daughter Fiona. The Catbus is from the movie My Neighbor Totoro by the world's greatest animator Hayao Miyazaki and would make a fine movie to watch on Father's Day.
My Neighbor Totoro
My sister and I don't speak to our dad. He was a very abusive person. We got over the abuse and are fine. He won't come to terms with what he has done. He knows his transgressions but won't make amends. We are still rotten ungrateful kids to him. I don't like this day.
It is sad ... he had a wonderful opportunity and really blew it. I hope that you and your sister can have healthy, happy lives in spite of him.
I'm a 42 year old stay at home dad to my 2 year old daughter. I've loved every minute of it. It really is the best job in the world, and I wouldn't change it for anything.
Happy Father's Day!
to have such a dad.
Lucky little girl. Luckier Dad. Parenting is the most important and most rewarding job in the world that lasts for too short of a time. Happy Father's Day to all the Dads, whether they stay at home or work two jobs to support their family like my Dad did.
The fact that there are so many folks here who recognize the nekobus from 'My Neighbor Totoro' and can name Japan's most prestigious animation house (Studio Ghibli) by name is a testament to the quality of posters we have here at C&L. Or, maybe we're just a bunch of nerds with esoteric tastes. LOL.
My dad helped raise 8 kids on a logger's salary in Okanogan. He and my mom never went out or on vacation, just to Spokane once a year to get us eye exams and glasses. (in the 60's and 70's)
There's no greater duty than being a dad. I'm lucky to still have mine. He's the golden rod by which all others are measured.
It takes but one sperm to be a father, but it takes a man to be a dad.
Happy Father's Day Dave, and all the dads out there!
everyday needs to be parents day
hardest fucking job in the world
David this is one of your few (very few) posts I agree with. I only have one objection and that is referring to being a parent a "job". Yes it is work, quite often very hard and sometimes thankless work. But I don't view it as a "job" nor a career. It is more of a duty although that isn't quite right either.
ETA Perhaps labor of love comes the closest?
I'm currently a stay at home dad, and a ex single parent, as in having physical custody of my son.
I'm currently a stay at home dad, and a ex single parent, as in having physical custody of my son.
Translation: "My wife couldn't fu
cking stand me."Thanks David for this. I just lost the best Damn Dad in the world. He was 86 and had a full and wonderful life but the loss is still there. He was not just a father but he was also one of my best friends. I think that is rare but it shouldn't be.
Perhaps that is why I seized the opportunity to do what you did. I begged my job to let me work reduced hours so I could share but it was just too complicated for them. So I left. My wife was keen to go back to work after the intense job of bringing three wee ones into the world and so we switched roles. For two years, I was a full time "hausmann" for my children of 7, 5 and 3. I worked 30% as a lecturer in the university but this was just a few hours per week in class and my wife worked full time. It was bliss and hell at the same time. I loved it but the energy and commitment it took was overwhelming. I was exhausted each day yet it was the kind of tired that satisfied the soul. I will always have a relationship with my children that very few Dad's will have. Even more important, I had an insight into how incredible my own mother was and how amazing all the woman in the world who dedicate their lives to child-rearing but instead are insulted with the title: "Housewife." (Let's face it, the connotative meaning is belittling)
If there were poetic justice in this world, each of those women would be paid hundreds of thousands for their efforts and the sorry-assed CEO "Masters of the Universe" would earn no more than a respectable primary school teacher. Our values are upside down. As you point out, those first 6 years are everything. If we could get that right, it would all line up: education would improve dramatically, crime, poverty and other social problems would be reduced and we just might be in the position to understand what a "real man" is and forgo an obsession with unbridled greed and gratuitous violence. I know, it sounds Pollyannish, but Dave is right. Men have to nurture to be led to their better natures.
Elvis Costello: "Whats so funny about peace, love and understanding."
As a later than normal parent (adoptive) who has had ( and then made)more opportunity than I expected to spend time with my son and his friends, I found it rewarding in ways I never could have imagined before parenting.
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