Dear Mommy -
I’m really enjoying CNN camp. Here’s a picture of me right before all the other boys beat me up. See my bow tie? I tied it myself mommy! I’m learning lots of really neato things here! I learned how to fart with my armpit and talk out of my ass. Guess what?? Remember how I always wanted to be a hairdresser? I changed my mind. I want to talk out of my ass for the rest of my life!! There’s a kid here named Jon and he called me a bad word. I told him “You're not funny.” I got him good! Everybody here admires me and really likes me a lot! My counselor called me “impervious to reality”. But I don’t care. Some day all of these people will turn on the TV and see that I am an “expert commentator” and they’ll say “Wow! I remember when he was talking out of his ass at camp and now he’s doing it on television! He got really good at talking out of his ass and great and powerful men seek his opinion and throw him money! I wish I was Tucker Carlson! Hail Tucker Carlson! He’s smart!!!” Please send more undies. All mine are ripped. Don't ask.
Love, your little tickle pickle Tuck
P.S. I peed my bed again. Don’t tell dad.