As the gender gap threatened to undermine their crusade for a one-term Obama, the GOP turned to Twitter to un-sink the Titanic. Don’t worry your pretty little heads about our party’s mandated transvaginal rapes and birth control bans, a host of Republicans shrieked. It is President Obama who is waging the war against women by sentencing two of them to life…on the Supreme Court.
FullofMitt: There’s no war on women coming from me. I’m so committed to protecting equality that I promise to lock Lilly Ledbetter in an airtight kennel. #TheDogLovedThat
JohnMcMaverick: War, you say? Well, we must bomb Womanistan before they force us to swallow their nuclear pill. #AlsoBombSyria #AndIran #AndCanada
ReinceStag: Who cares what the marketplace pays women? I need my wife to stay home to wage war on all these damn caterpillars clogging up my tax loopholes. #1%TopRateForThe1%
GovNikki: Women don’t care about birth control. They care about the rising cost of a decent mani-pedi & a vacuum that doesn’t lose suction.
Limpbaugh: Quit having so much sex! Or else send me your sex tapes. See, we stand for choice even more than them. #SoMuchViagraSoLittleCatholicBabePorn
GreatStateOfArizany: You can get the pill from your doctor only if you obtain permission from your boss. Also be sure to ask your boss whether your lunchtime BLT offends his faith.
FullofMitt: Contraceptions are people, my friends.
VomiSantorium: We’ll get the sluts next time. #Theocracy2016
MrsMitt: It’s grueling work managing five kids, five houses, a herd of dressage horses…not to mention all those nannies, undocumented gardeners & accounts in the Caymans.
FullofMitt: But Moms without $100 million IRAs must learn the dignity of minimum wage work. Also, let’s get rid of the minimum wage. #AndPlannedParenthood
VirginiaGOP: If a woman is pregnant, she’s ipso facto been penetrated before. So why would she object if the state shoves this transvaginal stick up in there too? #DoesntSheLoveHerHomeState?
GovofPenn: If a woman doesn’t want to look at the ultrasound screen, she can just close her eyes. It’s worked for my wife in our bedroom for nearly 40 years.
Dubya: The people of the United States will not live at the mercy of an outlaw regime that threatens the peace with IUDs. #HeMustHaveHidThemInASecretWomb!
UndisclosedDick: The vaginas will treat us as liberators.