November 1, 2013

After this week's hearings on the NSA Hoovering up all of our data and members of Congress having the nerve to act shocked about it, Comedy Central's Stephen Colbert, like his cohort Jon Stewart noticed that there was one exception to that rule, House Intelligence Committee chair, Rep. Mike Rogers.

Rogers and his defense of the NSA spying found themselves as the subject of Colbert's “The Word” segment this Thursday night, and after his performance during the hearing this week, the mocking is more than well deserved.

After pointing out how "lucky" we all were to have “Michigan Representative and Meat Loaf stunt double Mike Rogers” there to counter any accusations of our Fourth Amendment rights being violated, Colbert showed footage of Rogers explaining how “the fact that we haven't had any complaints come forward” somehow means that no one's “privacy rights have been violated” and therefpre “somebody must be doing something right" -- and then he let Rogers have it.

COLBERT: Yeah, for ten years, no one complained about the thing they didn't know existed. Now, I'd like to know, that's sound logic to me. What's your answer to that professor?

VLADECK: But who would be complaining?

ROGERS: Somebody whose privacy was violated. You can't have your privacy violated if you don't know your privacy is violated, right?

COLBERT: Right. If you don't know your privacy was violated, then it wasn't. It makes perfect sense if you don't think about it.

Folks, it's just like, it's just like if someone lies to you. Technically they're telling you the truth as long as you never find out it was a lie. Really in the end, it's really an issue of trust. […]

Now, Congressman Rogers, I believe, gets it. Privacy's not some physical thing that you can have or not have violated. It's a state of mind like zen. Professor Vladeck, surely even you agree with that?

VLADECK: I disagree with that. I think if a tree falls in a forest, it makes a noise whether you're there to see it or not.

COLBERT: Yes, it makes a noise that the NSA was listening to, and it's important that the tree never finds out. Or rather, let me give you another tree analogy. Let's say, instead of falling in the forest, the tree is standing outside your house and I'm hiding in it, watching you shower.

Now, so far, I'm not violating your privacy, but the second you see me through the window, suddenly I'm the criminal? What about my privacy? I'm trying to masturbate here.

Now come to think of it, you know, there are really all sorts of victimless crimes like this. We know people get assaulted because they call the police, but I've never heard of anyone calling the cops because they were murdered.

Therefore, clearly, no one was killed.

Now, by the same logic, by the same logic folks, I have not insulted Mike Rogers, as long as he never hears me say the reason Mike Rogers uses circular logic, is because his head is jammed up his own ass.

Of course folks, obviously, I do not mean a word of that. I admire what historians will now call, The Rogers Doctrine. When it comes to privacy vs security, we can have one of them, as long as we don't know which one it is. That way, we can maintain our constitutional rights, or if they do take away our rights, just don't let us find out. That way, we'll still have them... and that's The Word.

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