March 24, 2020

While Stephen Colbert is showing us how to fix a bicycle flat, Jimmy Kimmel has had enough of the touchy-feely and gets back to the business of ridiculing the Orange Cheeto.

"Even in our darkest hour, he still finds time to be a catty little bitch," Jimmy Kimmel said about Trump.

He also talked about LA Mayor Eric Garcetti closing the boardwalk at the beach "because of these stupid people who do not seem to understand how sick I am of playing Candyland with my children

"Why is it that when there's no quarantine we all stay at home staring at our screens but now that we're on lockdown people are like 'let's get out and have a picnic'? On the other hand, we're also getting reports from our viewers who say their older relatives are finally starting to get the message.

"A woman I assumed because her name's Tammy posted this on our YouTube channel. She wrote my 91 year old grandma told me she wanted to go to the bank today. I said 'like hell you are. I'm currently unemployed for who knows how long and using paper towels to wipe, you're gonna sit down and watch the Hallmark Channel."

Speaking of older relatives:

"Donald Trump spent his weekend bragging about the imagine success he's had fighting what he still insists on calling the Chinese virus even though the result of that is an army of imbeciles blaming people of Chinese
descent for the virus but have no fear today, Trump made it all okay. He tweeted, 'It is very important that we totally protect our Asian-American community in the United States and all around the world they are amazing people and the spreading of the virus, dot-dot-dot, is not their fault in any way shape or form. They are working
closely with us to get rid of it. We will prevail that they are working closely with us.'

'They are us, it's right there in the name," Kimmel said. " 'Asian-American.' It's the second word.

"He somehow manages to be racist while telling other people not to be racist."

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