April 20, 2022

Late-night comedy hosts had one thing on their minds Tuesday -- the lifting of mask mandates on airlines brought about by an unqualified Trump-appointed judge.

[Above: Stephen Colbert:]

COLBERT: You can't let Florida make health decisions for the entire country. That's not smart. The Florida food pyramid is just gator jerky and meth. This judge claimed that the CDC exceeded their legal authority by requiring masks. And that their power was limited to things like 'cleaning property, not requiring people to take hygienic steps.' Yes, you cannot force people to follow basic hygiene, you can only make them clean property, explains the new bathroom sign: ‘Before returning to work, employees must wash this sign.’

The judge also said “wearing a mask cleans nothing. At most, it traps virus droplets.” That’s the mask’s job, you dummy! So my droplets don’t get on you! That’s like saying, ‘This diaper is useless, every time I put one on my baby it fills up with poop.'

Trevor Noah:

NOAH: I have so many questions. First of all, why are people cheering like that? People are cheering like they just said you can take two bags of chip instead of one. “what! Hell yeah. I’m glad I paid another $300 for economy-plus. And that flight attendant who was sing, what was that. It was like the worst version of the “lion king.” Put your mask in here. That celebration looked like mardi gras in the sky. And all types of people were celebrating— old, young, everyone. Actually, if you zoom in on that picture, you can— wait, wait. Would you zoom in a little bit more? A little closer... Now, enhance, enhance. [Picture reveals a celebrating covid virus.] Ah, yeah. Yeah. Everyone was celebrating.

Jimmy Kimmel:

KIMMEL: It’s amazing that a woman with an entire tablecloth around her neck [Judge Kathryn Kimball Mizelle] gets to tell us whether to wear masks or not. She’s dressed like a Nissan in a Christmas commercial. All the major airlines have already updated their policy on face coverings. ...Spirit airlines actually never had an official mask requirement because they don’t have windows on the plane.

Jimmy Fallon:

FALLON: Guys, everyone’s talking about this a federal judge has overruled the CDC’s mask mandate for planes, and now all the major airlines have dropped their mask requirements. But don’t worry. To keep everyone safe, you can now bring only up to 3.4 ounces of Covid on board. To put it another way, airlines are basically turning off the seatbelt sign for Covid and telling you to move freely about the cabin. Yeah, if you thought omicron was bad, wait till you meet the Spirit variant.

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