December 24, 2022

Highly recommended: Our Dr. Oz Archive from this year. -- eds.

Republicans propped up some of the strangest candidates ever this year. From Russian Roulette playing Herschel Walker to crudités eating Dr. Mehmet Oz, the latter of which tried to relate to us little people from one of his 12 residential properties around the globe -- none of which are in Pennsylvania. Oz claimed to have two residential properties, but math is HARD. He was only off by ten. So close!

To relate to how the middle class is hurting because of inflation, the bazillionaire TV doctor taped an ad of him choosing raw veggies for crudités while calling out the prices for each one. I admit that I had to look that up. I'm not very fancy. They're better known to us commoners as raw vegetables with dip.

None of that sent warning shots to the Republicans. Not when news broke that Oz's scientific research led to the deaths of more than 300 dogs and hundreds of other animals. We thought it was awful when Mitt Romeny drove 12 hours with his dog on top of the car in a windshield-equipped carrier. But this guy just kills dogs. It's all in the name of research, though, right?

While the campaign between the dog killer and John Fetterman was ongoing, Fetterman had a stroke. And so, of course, Dr. Oz's campaign did the totally normal thing to do and mocked his Democratic opponent's health. Oh, and did you notice that he's a doctor? They aren't supposed to do that.

Republicans didn't blink at this, either:

Dr. Oz admitted on Jimmy Kimmel's show that his obsession with needles was so intense that he approached his sister from behind and assaulted her with a syringe, sticking it in her head.

Dr. Oz is reportedly groveling "to anyone" to get his TV gig back, but all is not lost, Mehmet. You are now the recipient of a Crookie award for being a truly shitty person. You're welcome!


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