Read time: 2 minutes

Well, Crap, Dewhurst!

Why make up imaginary crap when Texas is so full of politicians spouting the real thing?

I know y’all are going to be shocked, shocked I tell you, that Texas Lt. Governor David Dewhurst’s pronouncement that the Texas Department of Public Safety confiscated jars of urine and feces at the women’s rights debate at the State Capitol is a much bigger event than originally suspected.

Turns out that those jars were freakin’ invisible.

Hellfire, that ought to win us some kind of Nobel science prize or something. I mean it’s just not every day that invisible matter shows up, much less at the Texas Capitol.

Documents released Monday by the Texas Department of Public Safety’s provided no new evidence that officers found one jar of urine and 18 containers of feces at the Capitol before a July 12 debate on a controversial abortion bill.

The story is taking some odd twists. Lots of trial balloons are going up.

One says they didn’t actually confiscate the bottles but just asked people to thrown them in the garbage, which should trigger an EPA investigation and an environmental impact study. Oops, sorry, my mistake. It wouldn’t. This is the Texas Capitol where feces freely flow.

Another story says they didn’t confiscate and mark the items because they didn’t have time, what with all those crazy women running around. Oh, but they had time for a press release and much indignation from the Lt. Gov’s office.
Of course, you do have to consider that they have indignation on tap at the Lt. Gov.’s office.

Of course, none of the stories says, “We just made this crap up,” followed by hysterical laughter at their ability to understand puns.

So, the DPS looks like Barney Fife and the Lt. Gov. looks like he’s once again the official tool of the State of Texas.

And all this was done in search of a probable cause for confiscating tampons at the state capitol during a public hearing. They are saying they took the tampons because they found jars of crap.

Close, but no cigar. They took tampons because they are full of crap.

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