What do you give a guy who owns nine homes, made $60 million last year and wants to be governor of Illinois?
I decided to give him the gift of music.
After all, a guy who loves Wrangler jeans and Carhartt coats as much as Bruce Rauner does would probably enjoy blasting a good country song over the stereo in his 20-year-old van.
So last weekend I wrote the only song in the world that mentions charter schools, the bourgeoisie and reproductive rights. It also name-checks Walter Payton, H.G. Wells and Arne Duncan.
Cole Porter, Doc Pomus and Gerry Goffin are likely rolling over in their graves.
Plutocrat (The Ballad of Bruce Rauner)
Some rich guys buy fancy cars
Some spend their money on old guitars
Some go in for private planes and boats
Well, I like houses -- I own nine
And I drink $6,000 wine
And I'm tryin' hard to buy your November votes
Yeah, my wristwatch cost me eighteen bucks
I wear Carhartt clothes when I hunt for ducks
And I even drive around in a beat-up van
But I'm a straight-up, blood-suckin' billionaire
Who hates payin' taxes for Medicare
And I bank in the Cayman Islands anytime I can
So, Springfield, get out the welcome mat
What this state needs is a plutocrat
A slashin', burnin', union-bustin' guy
I'll hammer and shake that capitol dome
Like it's a grandma stuck in a nursing home
Hey, grandma, it's time to say goodbye
Well, I'm mighty proud of one thing I did
Tryin' to educate my suburban kid
I had Arne Duncan lend me a helping hand
He took my call without hesitatin'
Then my kid got a spot at Walter Payton
And I gave that school 250 grand
I want charter schools in every town
where the kids are poor and black or brown
You know I've even got a school named after me
And I could have sent my own kid there
But I'm a wealthy man, and it's only fair
That her school be largely white and bourgeoisie
Now I know it's become the latest craze
But I try not to talk about marryin' gays
Social issues bring my numbers down
Same is true for reproductive rights
I don't want to pick any needless fights
I'll be a blank slate until I win that crown
I've got my own economic plan
But like HG Wells' "Invisible Man"
The details... well, they're mighty hard to see
And I do my best to avoid the stage
If they want me to talk about the minimum wage
'Cause I'd rather have those people work for free