Ding! Ding! Ding! We Have A Winner!
April 30, 2015

In the sweepstakes of crazy in Texas, we need to stop everything and stand in awe of this one.

Remember when I told you about the weird drunk people in Bastrop being convinced that the United States Military was sending 60 soldiers, two Humvees and a helicopter to Texas to incarcerate everyone Just! Like! Hitler! and we all thought that was nuts?

The Governor did not. No, sireeeee, Governor Abbott huffed him up and gave credence to those crazybutt fears.

Several of you in the comments section posted Governor Greg Abbott’s letter assuring Texans that he had everything under control.

“It is important that Texans know their safety, constitutional rights, private property rights and civil liberties will not be infringed,” Abbott wrote. “By monitoring the Operation on a continual basis, the State Guard will facilitate communications between my office and the commanders of the Operation to ensure that adequate measures are in place to protect Texans.”

Do you know what the Texas Guard is? It’s not the Texas National Guard. It’s just the Texas Guard. It’s like the Boy Scouts except with no adult supervision.

Remember the old sheriff we had here who often tied his shoelaces together? He was the head of the Texas Guard here and his mistress was the Lt. Col. I am not making that up. Just ask anybody.The Texas Guard is for people too old or too chicken to join the real military. They are for civil help only, like cleaning up after a hurricane. Here’s what they get paid. They do not get to carry guns, even if they have one.


When part of your pay is a free hunting and fishing license and a waiver of some toll road fees, it’s not likely you’ll get to join the VFW.

I cannot for the life of me find the qualifications to join but knowing a few local guardsmen I can assure you that literacy is not one of them. Hell, the Bi-Polar Rollers Bowling team over at Lucky Lonnie’s Bowling Alley has stricter qualifications to join.

So we’ve got Cletus and Billy Bob with the Texas Guard sleuthing around nosing in official United States military business and informing the Governor if the real military does something suspicious. I know I’ll sleep better at night.

Thanks, Gov, for making it worse.

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