April 14, 2016

Ted Cruz is a truly deplorable man. Hateful in his views, to the point where even his own coworkers and former college roommate publicly decry him. He has been compared to the zodiac killer and his daughter even cringes when he tries to kiss her. But last night's CNN town hall showed us what is probably the most disgusting side of all.

Here is the story Heidi shared with the audience, a story which I guess she thought would humanize him, but instead grossed many people out.

"When I married Ted, we got back from our honeymoon, and he went off to the store and came home by himself. And I was completely shocked to see that he arrived back at our apartment with literally 100 cans of Campbell’s Chunky soup. I never bought 100 of anything.

This was shocking to me, so we had a tough conversation about it. I said, “You don’t buy 100 of anything, much less canned soup. We can’t do this. I’ll be making things.” He said, “No, I know you. you won’t be making things.”

So the next morning, it was a weekend morning, I loaded up our car before he woke up and returned every single can. And when I got home, I called my mother just to make sure I’d done the right thing as a newlywed. And she emphatically disagreed with me. And so when Ted opened the pantry, I had to quickly tell him that I would go back and buy those cans again."

So many questions come to mind. Why stockpile soup? Paranoia about a zombie apocalypse? Did he have a huge stack of coupons that were about to expire that day? Was it a flavor that was being discontinued?

My first thought (I apologize in advance for the visual) was that he had some sort of fetish of bathing in a huge tub of chunky soup with floating dildos?

We may never know the true reason for the stockpile, and that may be for the best. Some things are best left to the couples therapist, who is sure to tell the newlyweds... it's not about the soup, it's about passive-aggressive behavior using soup as a weapon to belittle and control one's spouse! Isn't that right, MOTHER?

Update: We can hardly wait until the next installment of Ted Cruz: Even Creepier, when that video of him in the pink boa and underwear is released by his daughter's school. No, we are not making that up. -eds.

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