The Fundamentalist Right: an oxymoron We’ve learned a lot from this election. We’ve learned that Jerry Springer airs on PBS in Oklahoma. We
November 27, 2004

The Fundamentalist Right: an oxymoron

We’ve learned a lot from this election. We’ve learned that Jerry Springer airs on PBS in Oklahoma. We learned that we should post signs on the side of the highway when you cross the Mason/Dixon line that say, 'Caution: Minds Narrow’. We learned that we must never forget that there is a large section of the country where the terms “cousins once removed” and “coitus interruptus” are pretty much the same thing. We learned that “compassionate conservatives” are most conservative with their compassion. We learned that the reason they call it America’s Heartland is because clearly the brain is not there. But mostly we have learned that if we’re not extra special very careful, America is going to hang itself with it's Bible Belt.
I know that for the next four years we’ll have to get used to seeing the clock set back on many of the advances we’ve made over the last century. These changes will be accompanied by odd ironies and logic that just don’t make sense to those of us who live outside of the faith-based community.
And come 2008 Americans will ask each other, “Are you better off now than you were 400 years ago?”
The fundamentalists want to eliminate sex education in the schools. Abstinence is the answer. Ever notice most of these folks who preach abstinence as a way to temper appetites are 75 pounds overweight? Go to Disneyland just to be sure.
Masturbation is a sin and will be outlawed. Idle hands are the devil’s workshop. Masturbation is “self abuse”. Masturbation is “abuse” and boxing is a sport. I personally only once suffered a knockout, but I was in training.
They don't want teenagers to have condoms, in that "Silence of the Lambskins" campaign they’re running. Then they still try to blame teen sex on rock and roll music. Teenagers have sex because they're horny and because of peer pressure. If you're going to peg teen sex on rock and roll, why don't we just blame incest on Country and Western?
Regarding a woman’s right to choose, everyone is entitled to their beliefs; this is America. My belief happens to be that life begins when you start minding your own fucking business. I have a theory that the religious right wants to haul all of the coat hangers out of the closet to make room for the gays they want to shove back in. Remember, class: "Sodomy is evil". Unless it's a Glow Stick up an Iraqi prisoner's ass, lighting the way for Freedom across the globe. Then it's a Toby Keith song.
And, finally, they refuse to believe in evolution. That part I can understand, actually. Because if you subscribe to the theory of evolution, well then, there's a tacit obligation to PARTICIPATE in evolution. For some people that's a little too much pressure. Many of the righteous can’t recognize that Faith is a way to avoid responsibility. It’s always the people with recessive genes who don't believe in evolution. “I believe in Creationism,” they’ll say. Really? I believe in critical thought. But then, my reading matter is a little more up to date than yours.

Mike Dugan-C&L

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