David Brooks And The Dead Parrot Caucus
Credit: Composite / BG
April 9, 2016

Mr. Brooks was paid actual money to write this column today in America's newspaper of record.

But when I read it, in my head it sounded a lot like this...

Wealthy Shut-In Who Has Always Trusted David Brooks: Hello, I wish to register a complaint...Hello? Miss?

David Brooks: What do you mean, miss?

Wealthy Shut-In: Oh I'm sorry, I have a cold. I wish to make a complaint!

Brooks: Sorry, I'm on, uh, book leave until...whenever.

Wealthy Shut-In: Never mind that, my lad. I wish to complain about this party what I purchased not twenty years ago from this very boutique.

Brooks: Oh yes, the Republican Party. What's wrong with it?

Wealthy Shut-In: I'll tell you what's wrong with it, my lad. It's dead, that's what's wrong with it!

Brooks: No, no, it's resting, look!

Wealthy Shut-In: Look my lad, I know a dead party when I see one, and I'm looking at one right now.

Brooks: No no sir. it's not dead. It's resting!

Wealthy Shut-In: Resting?

Brooks: Yeah, remarkable party, the GOP. Ended slavery, don't ya know.

Wealthy Shut-In: 1865 don't enter into it - it's stone dead.

Brooks: No, no - it's just resting!

Wealthy Shut-In: All right then, if it's restin', I'll wake it up! (shouts at Fox News) Hello Republicans! There are fascists and theocrats taking over the place! Why don't you wake up, pretty party!

Brooks: (dashes off another column about the GOP "detoxifying their brand") There, it moved!

Wealthy Shut-In: No, it didn't. That was you pulling sh*t out of your ass!

Brooks: I did not.

Wealthy Shut-In: Yes, you did! (takes party by the scruff of the neck, shouts) Hello Republicans, Republicans (bangs it against the counter) Reasonable Republicans, wake up. Republicans. (throws it in the air and lets it fall to the floor) Now that's what I call a dead party.

Brooks: No, no. It's stunned.

Wealthy Shut-In: Look my lad, I've had just about enough of this. That party is definitely deceased. And when I bought it not twenty years ago, you assured me that its lack of movement was due to it being tired and shagged out after a long penis hunt.

Brooks: It's probably pining for Gerald Ford.

Wealthy Shut-In: Pining for Gerald Ford, what kind of talk is that? Look, why did it fall flat on its back the moment I got it home?

Brooks: The Republican Party prefers being laid back! Awesome party! Very sensible!

Wealthy Shut-In: Look, I took the liberty of examining that party, and I discovered the only reason that it had been sitting upright in the first place was that you have been propping it up with bullsh*t columns for twenty years.

Brooks: Well of course I kept it propped up. Otherwise its, uh, awesomeness would have overwhelmed its basic Conservative humility and voom.

Wealthy Shut-In: Look matey this party wouldn't voom if you put four million Eisenhowers through it! It's bleedin' demised!

Brooks: It's not, it's pining!

Wealthy Shut-In: It's not pining, it's passed on. This party is no more! It has ceased to be. It's expired and gone to meet its Reagan. This is a late party. It's a stiff. Bereft of life, it rests in peace. If you hadn't been propping it up it would be pushing up the daisies. It's rung down the curtain and gone to join the Know-Nothings. This is an ex-party.

Brooks: Well, I'd better replace it, then.

Wealthy Shut-In: If you want to get anything done in this country you've got to complain till you're blue in the mouth. And you've got to be rich. Really, really rich.

Brooks: Sorry guv, we're right out of Republicans.

Wealthy Shut-In: I see. I see. I get the picture.

Brooks: (pause) I got a Whig.

Wealthy Shut-In: Does it Reagan?

Brooks: Not really, no.

Wealthy Shut-In: Well, it's scarcely a replacement, then is it!


Not much of a replacement at all.

Excerpted from Driftglass

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