December 3, 2018

Maybe conspiracy theorists don't make the best co-workers.

Right-wing conservative conspiracy-theorist douchenozzle Jack Burkman (of Seth Rich murder conspiracy fame) got into a little labor dispute with one of his subordinate minions that he hired, ex-marine right-wing conspiracy-theorist douchenozzle Kevin Doherty. Burkman had hired Doherty to come up with a profile of Seth Rich's killer, but the two fought, and Burkman fired Doherty.

To get revenge, (stay with me, here) Doherty concocted this scheme to kill Burkman for firing him. He lured Burkman to a garage with promises of documents that will prove FBI misconduct, or some such nonsense. Burkman looked under the appointed traffic cone for the documents, and Doherty shot him in the ass. Literally. Burkman still has bullets lodged in his ass to this day.

Burkman took his dog in one hand (who was with him, WHY?) and the traffic cone in the other (which he didn't drop, WHY?) and fled up the ramp, and Doherty proceeded to run him over with his rental SUV. If you think this reads like a Three Stooges script, you're not far off.

Since Dr. Professor Genius Doherty, Esquire left gobs of evidence around, such as a shipping box with his NAME AND ADDRESS in a nearby trashcan, along with ammunition boxes, not to mention garage security camera footage, and having used his real name and ID when he rented the car earlier that day, it was pretty easy to track this Einstein down. The shipping box led to his home, which when searched, contained the rifle used in the attack, which VERY INCREDIBLY REALLY VERY SMART IDEA, KEVIN. Good galloping galumphing Christ almighty, Doherty, I cannot believe you remember your socks go on BEFORE your shoes.

Anywho, Doherty pled guilty, will spend 9 years in jail, and must pay Burkman back the $15,000 he paid Doherty for the documents originally promised about the FBI. I mean, Burkman doesn't come off looking too good in this scenario, either. As Rachel Weiner wrote in The Washington Post:

Burkman did not appear in court and could not be immediately reached for comment. When the lobbyist spoke to The Post in March, Burkman said his interest in Rich’s death and conspiracy theories generally remained strong. Last month, Burkman held a news conference at which he claimed he had spoken to a woman who had been the victim of inappropriate behavior by special counsel Robert S. Mueller III. No such woman ever appeared.

Aaaaah, that press conference with Jacob Wohl. The fly. Remember the fly. We shall always remember the fly.

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