May 12, 2009

Ewwwwwwwww. Does anyone really want to listen to Bill O'Reilly's speculations on sex acts?

When he opened up his segment on The O'Reilly Factor last night talking about the future possibilities for marriage created by the innovation of gay marriage, the first thing he mentioned was threesomes -- while chatting with two toothsome members of The Factor Harem:

O'Reilly: All right, Hoover. I did not know this, but I had said from the jump if you OK gay marriage, then you have to do plural marriage, which is now -- has a name, triads. Three people getting married. There is a group in Maui, Hawaii, called the Lessin's adversary group -- advocacy group, and it's World Polygamy [sic: Polyamory] Association. They're associated with that. And they want to be married.

So, No. 1, I'm an oracle. And No. 2, how you can deny them under equal protection under the law?

Hoover: You can't deny them under equal protection of the law.

O'Reilly: OK, so you say that they have to marry, as well.

Hoover: No, no. Here's what I think. First of all, I think it is extremely disingenuous for you to suggest that, if you allow gay people to get married, they're going to have to allow -- that polygamy is then going to run --

O'Reilly: You just said you have to.

Hoover: -- rampant across the United States. Here's --

O'Reilly: You just -- wait, wait. You just said you have to allow them.

Hoover: Before the camera went on you said to me two things: due process.

O'Reilly: Right.

Hoover: You know what due process is? Due process is when we have laws, we then enforce them. We don't even -- we barely in five states have laws that gay people can be married. We have states -- laws in zero states that polygamy can happen.

O'Reilly: If I walk in to the Massachusetts state house and say, "Hey, Governor Deval Patrick, you've got to marry me and Lenny." All right? Because --

Hoover: I would love to see that, by the way.

O'Reilly: Not only Lenny, but Squiggy too. All right? Or I walk in with the O'Brien twins from South Boston and say, "Hey, you've got to marry me, because you're allowing gays to get married, and I'm in the Lessin's group, the World Polygamy Association."

All this fantasizing made us immediately want to go take a shower with a falafel or something.

But even worse, once we realized that he was describing his own threesome fantasies when it came to sex acts made possible by gay marriage, it really got disgusting when he went even further down that road:

HOOVER: I don't buy into the slippery slope argument at all.

O'Reilly: You'd let everybody do whatever they want?

HOOVER: That's the slippery slope argument. That's if you allow one thing to happen, then another thing, and another thing.

O'Reilly: Hoover, you would let everybody get married who want to get married. You want to marry a turtle, you can.

HOOVER: Due process. I want to abide by the law. If the law says I can marry a turtle, I'll marry a turtle. Last time I checked, we're a Judeo-Christian culture that doesn't allow me to marry turtles.

Really, Bill, if you want to have sex with a turtle or, as you've previously suggested, a goat or a duck or a dolphin, we suggest joining Rush Limbaugh for one of his Dominican jaunts or something and leave the rest of us out of the loop, OK? Please don't make us get out the damned brain bleach again.

Media Matters has more.

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