Read time: 3 minutes

Hilarious: Wolcott On O'Reilly

TeaserPosted by James Wolcott I tried to resist. I hoped to take the high road. But the clamor won't stop, and it seems that I will be forced to addre
Posted by James Wolcott
I tried to resist. I hoped to take the high road. But the clamor won't stop, and it seems that I will be forced to address the squalor and pathos of O'Reilly the Love Loofah. But I want to get my thoughts in order to do full justice to the beanstalk of libido that threatens to poke a hole through the ceiling of Fox News.

I also plan to make my first political endorsement, in my futile quest to be a blogger playa.

So stay tuned, and take a tip from Bill O'Reilly: always remember to rinse buttplug before re-using--it's the considerate thing to do.

Loof to Loofah, Baby
Posted by James Wolcott
Let's assume for the sake of satire that the allegations in this complaint are regrettably true. What can we learn about Bill O'Reilly based on the lurid details that leap out at us as we attempt to shield the Bush twins from flying ick?

1) That despite his all-American bluster, O'Reilly is willing to reach out to other cultures and give them a firm squeeze. He regales the complaintant--and I think we all know how scary O'Reilly can be when he starts regaling--with stories about threesomes with Swedish stewardesses (Penthouse Forum fantasy, circa 1979), being massaged in Thailand by "a small brown woman" (he could consult the back pages of the Village Voice or NY Press and save himself the airfare), and the prospect of hitting on "hot" Italian women during his visit to the Vatican.

What this tells me that is Bill O'Reilly is far more multicultural than he has let on to his duped fans, deceiving them cruelly.

2) That he believes in hands-on mentoring. When the complainant shares the painful information that she's broken up with her boyfriend, he's there to help, advising her to buy a vibrator. "I could coach you through it," he says. This is the sort of paternal advice so many women in the workplace long for and never hear, but Bill was willing to be there for her, with extra batteries. It's important that she not cheat herself of the bliss that an older man can bestow as a gift that will keep on giving. "In these days of your celibacy and your hibernation, this is good for you to have a little fantasy outlet. Keep that sensuality tuned until you know Mr. Right comes along and then you can put him in traction."

Even though O'Reilly boasts of his jutting manhood, he has the modesty to admit that sometimes more is needed to get the job done. That's why he recommended a loofah, so that shower time can be fun time. Not to disparage the loofah, but I wonder if he's ever employed shower gloves, which offer greater suppleness and can double as Bob Fosse-ish "jazz hands" or "happy fingers" in Jazzercise class. Perhaps he's not keeping up with the latest advances in pleasuring technology; understandable, given how busy he is with The Factor.

But overall this sexual harassment suit portrays an O'Reilly who is far more receptive, adventurous, and generously attentive to a woman's needs than his crusty image. "If I have to go down, I'm willing to do it," he told Regis and Kelly, expanding his sexual repertoire even further.

Can you help us out?

For 16 years we have been exposing Washington lies and untangling media deceit. We work 7 days a week, 16 hours a day for our labor of love, but with rising hosting and associated costs, we need your help! Could you donate $20 for 2020? Please consider a one time or recurring donation of whatever amount you can spare, or consider subscribing for an ad-free experience. It will be greatly appreciated and help us continue our mission of exposing the real FAKE NEWS!

More C&L Coverage

Comments

NOTE: We will be changing to a new commenting platform in the next couple of weeks. We will supply more details as we get closer to the change. We understand some users are having problems with comments loading and this will hopefully remedy that problem

We welcome relevant, respectful comments. Any comments that are sexist or in any other way deemed hateful by our staff will be deleted and constitute grounds for a ban from posting on the site. Please refer to our Terms of Service (revised 3/17/2016) for information on our posting policy.