Read time: 4 minutes

How Dare They?

(guest blogged by Mike Farrell) Just who the hell do they think they are or were? How dastardly, how evil, how utterly asymmetrical! How lo

(guest blogged by Mike Farrell)

Just who the hell do they think they are… or were? How dastardly, how evil, how utterly asymmetrical!

How low can they stoop… okay, they weren't actually stooping, you have to stand up to hang yourself. But all the same, it's stooping pretty damned low to attack a country that's only trying to defend itself against people who… people who look like the people who we think may be the ones who attacked us.

How low can they stoop...okay, they weren't actually stooping, you have to stand up to hang yourself. But all the same, it's stooping pretty damned low to attack a country that's only trying to defend itself against people who...people who look like the people who we think may be the ones who attacked us.

No siree Bob, this was an attack. A suicide attack. Not the same as 9/11, maybe, but if you think of it, it sort of is. I mean, these guys are now dead, too, get it? They're dead and we're left holding the bag; talk about your "good PR move," which is how the Deputy Assistant Secretary of State for Public Diplomacy pegged it. And she should know, you know? You don't get to be a Deputy Assistant Secretary of State for Public Diplomacy without knowing your PR. So she knew it and she called it like it was. I mean, how do you get better PR than offing yourself, you know? Think about it.

Plus, it's an attack by "committed jihadists," which is what they are… were. Rear Admiral Harris says so, and you know the military shoots straight. It was "asymmetrical warfare," he says. And he's got evidence, too; he says "these are men who had gone on a hunger strike together." There you go. You can take that to the bank. Not to the court, mind you, because this isn't the kind of evidence you take to court. No, it's what your military calls your gut-check thing. I mean, so what if these particular "committed jihadists" hadn't been to court yet? What, were they in a hurry? They hadn't had any charges filed against them yet, for God's sake. They'd only been there for like three or four years, give us a break. There's a lot of red tape and stuff.

Of course, the doubters, the cringers, the left-wing, pinko, peacenik dupes, they fall for it. They say these suicidists are depressed from not having their good old American day in court. Picky, picky, picky! You know how long it takes to get to court these days? Besides, how do we defend ourselves against asymmetry if people go quibble about lawyers and fair trials and all like that? You squirm about a pretend drowning or two, you piss and moan about a little torture. What do you expect? This is war, buddy, and if you fool me once, you know, then you, uh, then you've fooled me. But you can't… but… I don't… if… you know… you're not gonna get away with it the next time. You got me?

Anyway, we don't have no fools for Rear Admirals. Harris knows. "I believe this was a coordinated attempt," he says. A team thing, sort of like line dancing with nooses. We just can't let 'em get to us. They tried the hunger-strike thing, but we fooled 'em, just stuck the old tube right in there and that took care of that. But no way is their underhandedness to be underestimated. This is a "determined, intelligent, committed element," the Rear says. If they couldn't beat us by starving themselves to death, they'll try something else. They tried an overdose of anti-depressants, did you know that? Tried to laugh themselves to death. We've just got to get things more symmetrical.

Lest you have any doubts, the final, absolute and definitive judgment, says the government, speaking through its Rear Admiral, is that "their methods of hanging themselves were similar." Go argue with that. Especially when you think of all the other ways there were for to them to hang themselves.

Folks, they're out to get us. And we can't let 'em get away with getting us. This killing yourself business is bad business. This is the lowest form of warfare. Why can't they just be symmetrical, for God's sake? I mean, imagine if all of them did this! We'd be… Well, just imagine. There are 460 of them down there in Guantanamo… make that 457. What do you think would happen if they all did this? We'd have to throw down our guns and surrender!

There oughta' be a law!

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