Let's Nuke Some Places That Don't Exist
December 21, 2015

A December, 2015 survey of Republicans voters by Public Policy Polling reads like pointless drivel about how many Republicans would vote for which Republicans a year from now. It’s a little unbearable to even skim through. Face it, there are only so many times one can tolerate looking at the name Santorum in a 95 page document before pleading to be waterboarded.

But there’s a little relief from all of this around Question 38, to which most Republican respondents say they oppose Japanese internment camps. Cool. Then we find out, at Question 39, that 13% of Republicans are also against bombing Agrabah.

Hmm. Only 13% don’t want to bomb it? Wait. Agrabah? Where the hell is Agrabah? And how do these idiots who think Ben Carson would make a good president know what the hell Agrabah is? And why do they think we should bomb them? What’s Agrabah done?

Like one of those towns in Wales that has a name with no vowels and 43 letters, we had to find out a little more about Agrabah. Well, Agrabah only exists in the minds of Disney writers and animators. They made up the name so that the fictional title character of “Aladdin” could have a fictional country to live in for that cartoon from the 1990s.

Yes, a majority of GOP voters is super-enthused about bombing a fictional country.

Maybe, though, this GOP misconception is a good thing. Maybe, rather than escalate tensions in the Middle East and play into the Isis strategy, we can make up fictional targets and bomb the crap out of places that sound Islamic or threatening in our collective imagination. Let’s rename the Land of Oz the Land of Ozbagastad. Then FOX News can assure us that Brian Williams personally saw its complete destruction and that Halliburton, or whatever it’s called now, was hired to sweep in, get all the oil and rescue a few little people from the last remaining witch. And, of course, they can assure everyone that General Paula Deen promptly dispatched Aunt Jemima to clean up the mess and make the little people some flapjacks. Problem solved.

Next country? Maybe to cover up Lucy and Ethel’s tracks, we can bomb Franistan. Too late for Atlantis of course, but we still have Ociania, Loompa Land, Sylvania and Vulgaria. All of them seem like good targets. Maybe Mike Hukleberry, who’s leading Mike Huckabee in the GOP polls by a wide margin, can borrow the Death Star and make sure that those asteroids really did pulverize Kyrpton.

Quick: someone get Emily Litella on the phone for more suggestions!

What’s it really matter, anyway? There’s a thin line between truth and fiction. Scientists have assured us that everyone has false memories, just like all the people who remember seeing footage of the crash of Flight 93 on 9/11 or poor Donald Trump who thinks he simultaneously saw the World Trade Center collapse and Muslims dancing in New Jersey – a feat that would defy the laws of geometry, physics and optics. Like his hairdo.

So listen up, kids. It’s America’s party and we’ll carpet bomb flying carpets if we want to. Say good-bye, Agrabah.




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