For Our Safety, Our Future:  Mitt Romney For President
April 1, 2016

by: The Editors

Spring is upon us. March came in like the lion Ted Cruz, and went out like the sacrificial lamb Marco Rubio. We doubt that too many people reading this blog have politics front and center right now, knowing, as we do, that most of us liberals spend the month of April planning how to spend our Secret Soros Capital Gains Tax Cuts (Thanks, Obama!). But in a short time, the Republican Party will make a choice that will profoundly affect our country, our blog traffic, and the world. They’d better get it right.

Our choice for President of the United States is Mitt Romney. As Ann Romney said four years ago, it’s his turn. As the only Republican in America who doesn’t know how long his Trump is, he is the one candidate who has the “I don’t even have to think about his wee wee” quality this nation desperately needs.

Forty-seven percent of the editorial board of Crooks and Liars thought long and hard about who to endorse this election year, and it came down to two words: “trust”, and “fund.” Other candidates have gained public attention by lying about their hand size, as well as the nuclear triad, on a public debate stage. Mitt Romney alone has had the courage to avoid the debate season all together. Furthermore, Mitt Romney believes in what he says 100% of the time. While this is likely because he has no idea how smartphone cameras work, it does make him the most trustworthy candidate in this race.

There’s another important factor to Mitt Romney that few people are brave enough to discuss. No other candidate or non-candidate shows the willingness to pretend the Freedom Caucus doesn’t exist, than Mitt Romney. His, dare we say, Reaganesque denial of reality will allow the entire United States to float through the next four to eight years not really caring whether we have health insurance or not. Romney’s calm demeanor and blithe social awkwardness will make us proud to call ourselves exclusive guests at the Utah Bar Association Dinner, because that’s what Mitt Romney’s America is all about. And we want to be a part of it.

Mitt Romney is right for these tumultuous times. He has shaken hands with at least a dozen millennials. He has dealt admirably with major disasters, like his 2012 campaign. But the one reason he may be best-suited to lead during these times is because he’s best-suited. Sorry, Mr. Trump, but your made-in-China Macy’s off the rack is no match for Mitt’s bespoke threads from Brigham and Sons Clothiers, Salt Lake City. And we feel confident that none of that firm’s bankruptcies were traceable to Bain Capital.

We expect Mitt Romney to enhance his presidential ticket this year by selecting Liz Cheney as his running mate. Ms. Cheney is exactly the conservative Republican needed to take the fight to Hillary Clinton next fall and then get about the serious business of defending us from things like “living wages.” Most of all, she alone can be the best Vice-President to spearhead the coming budget balancing tax cuts, as well as the critical rebuilding of our coal-based economy.

Romney / Cheney 2016. Please proceed, Governor.

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