April 18, 2016

Samantha Bee destroyed the Republican candidates tonight ahead of tomorrow's primary, sparing no man.

Look! There's John Kasich, explaining the story of Joseph to rabbis. No, really.

"See the hats and beards, John? I think they knooooow." And as Bee notes, Kasich continued his tour of Brooklyn at a matzoh factory, " where he rained down condescension like a plague of frogs, falling down from the sky."

Don't miss the faces of these rabbis. They're barely containing themselves. "Did John Kasich just fan-fiction Jesus into the Passover?"

Moving on to Donald Trump, Bee hit him for "channeling his inner Yankees fan." By the way, did you hear that he referred to the 911 attacks as 711 today? Yeah, he did. Because New York values. Or something.

After playing a clip of Trump shouting about "too much winning," Bee came back with a blindfold and some stimulating talk.

"Win me harder," she panted. "Win all over me!"

And then she realized she wasn't listening to her new audiobook, "Fifty Shades of Great."

Moving on to a quick review of the other candidates' families, Bee observes that there's "Bill Clinton, apparently campaigning for Bernie."

Turning to the CNN "humanize them by putting their families on parade" town halls last week, Bee gets brutal.

For example, did you know that Donald Trump just "shouts out to one of the young ladies in his office" when he wants to tweet. He just shouts it out, and a tweet is born!

Bee asks, "Is that because your wittle fingers can't reach all the letters on the keypad?"

On to "self-described human Ted Cruz" next.

Cruz begins by describing (in front of his two young daughters) watching pornography on the internet with Sandra Day O'Connor. "Oh, I guess the National Enquirer missed one," Bee quipped.

Oh, and about the Ted Cruz and the Chunky Soup story?

"Give us your poor, your tired, your muddled asshole yearning to scream free. New Yorkers accept everyone."

Well, almost everyone.

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