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Colbert Explains Every Anti-Trump Conspiracy In One Diagram

A summary of Trump's paranoid conspiracies, from one of our best comedic minds: Stephen Colbert.

Stephen Colbert is one of the best news analysts we have, and he presents the facts cleverly and hilariously. Unfortunately, you do have to stay up late to get the news in an easier to digest serving.

Last night's Late Show featured a summary of all the trumped-up, Trump-scandals in one hysterical and clever diagram. Colbert ties everything to what is likely the cause of all of the Big Donald's woes: Little Donald.

Colbert plays clips where Donald is categorically denying the facts of his lecherous behavior at beauty pageants, and he repeatedly called all his accusers 'LIARS.' The next pathetic attempt to peremptorily excuse his massive defeat (WE HOPE), is to call the election RIGGED, and he Tweeted this paranoid delusion multiple times. The media is out to get him, but he forgets, the media has been an accomplice all along.

COLBERT:

In fact, experts have estimated he's gotten nearly $3 billion in free advertising and that doesn't even count the money he's going to make after the election selling his all-in-one-solution for retrieving stray cats. Just grab them with a Trump Brand Pussy Grabber.
Gotta Catch 'em all! Order yours today.

Image from: The Late Show Screengrab

Colbert somehow finds a way to make all the conspiracy theories fit nicely into a diagram that is a dead ringer for the male anatomy, so much so, CBS blurred the diagram when he connected the final line that made it far too obvious what he was drawing. It's CBS, not HBO.

So, fraudulent voters, the media, drugs and women are all AGAINST Trump.

But that's just the tip of the iceberg.

Trump knows these accusations of sexual misconduct are really being concocted by sinister forces. (Plays Trump speech excerpt) The massive international corruption of the Clinton machine, we've seen this first hand in the Wikileaks Documents in which Hillary Clinton meets in secret with international banks to plot the destruction of U.S. sovereignty in order to enrich these global financial powers, her special interest friends, her donors.


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Okay, I'm on board so far, but how did this conspiracy work? Gentlemen, bring out the board: The International Conspiracy Board. Thank you so much!

Now remember, let me break this down for you: This supposed sex scandal can all be explained with a Venn Diagram

According to Donald Trump, okay? The media is colluding with the Clinton machine, all right?

And-- Stay with me.

And, the Clinton machine is colluding in secret with international bankers and special interests all to pave over the anti-Clinton revelations from Wikileaks and point the blame directly at DONALD TRUMP. Right there (draws something in the shape of a penis) Right there! Right there!

OH, MY GOD! OH, MY GOD! The plot to make him look like a sexual harasser is coming from inside Donald Trump's penis!

Now, I'm going to go out on a limb here and guess that CBS blurred some of all of this image--but I can assure you, like a rear view mirror, objects on the chalkboard are smaller than they appear.

♪♫NOTORIUS!♫♪ *singing with the rhythm from a Duran Duran song*
It all makes sense.

Who made Donald Trump walk into that Miss Universe dressing room?

Who made him brag on that bus?

Whose idea was it to run for president in the first place?

Trump alleges that his manhood is, somehow, NOT proportional to his tiny hands. In a March debate, he held his hands up,

in a bid to address previous suggestions by rival Sen. Marco Rubio. "He referred to my hands — if they're small, something else must be small."

He added: "I guarantee you there's no problem."

Little Donald, 'pathetic' as Newt called his alter-ego, is likely Trump's id or his whatever. This smaller version of himself is responsible for all of his gaffes, missteps, offenses and admissions of guilt. Since the Donald has demonstrated a penchant for lying, which happens 78% of the time, we could easily assume Little Donald is quite diminutive.

Little Donald is certainly calling the shots for Big Donald, who strives to be America's most notorious Orange-Führer-Predator-Cheater-Liar-Grifter.

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