In the past, I have requested combat pay to write pieces that require my watching Fox and Friends. Now I just want some of whatever Fox and Friends are smoking on that big comfy couch of theirs.
In this 3rd grade analysis (apologies to most 3rd graders) of the House Judiciary Committee's hearings, Steve, Ainsley and Brian have some adorable ideas about the highest-ranking members of the Republican party. I believe I heard the words "concise and to the point" to describe Trey Gowdy, and wait until you hear how they described our very own Frumpy Fried-Dough-Faced Fascist oiling up the Oval.
BRIAN KILMEADE: Five minutes after the hour. On a different note, there were emotional fireworks on Capitol Hill and frustration boiled over. You could really see the Republicans on the House Judiciary Committee are just fed up and frustrated about the year-long quest to get the documents necessary to fully understanding what went on during the 2016 election. As it relates to Hillary Clinton's emails and the Russia investigation. They get some. They get a little. Never enough. Redactions that make no sense. When they are revealed it turns out it was just preventing in many cases embarrassment. So when Rod Rosenstein appointed by President Trump, and Chris Wray appointed by President Trump went in front of the House Judiciary Committee, you clearly knew that they wanted everybody to know what they have been dealing with behind closed doors. First and foremost, I thought who is always great in this because is he so concise and to the point, Trey Gowdy. Listen to his message to AG Rod Rosenstein. And I hope you are listening too, Bob Mueller.
Ooooooo. Gowdy is gonna get all manly and tough with his loosened tie and leaning on one elbow and using BAD WORDS - listen UP, ROSENSTEIN! Listen up, MUELLER!
GOWDY: We have seen the bias. We have seen the bias. We need to see the evidence. If you have evidence of wrongdoing by any member of the Trump campaign, present it to the damn grand jury. Whatever you got. Finish it the hell up. Because this country is being torn apart.↓ Story continues below ↓
ROSENSTEIN: I have heard the suggestion that we just should close the investigation. I think the best thing we can do is finish it appropriately and reach a conclusion.
STEVE DOOCY: Rod Rosenstein stood his ground throughout. And in fact, we will show you another exchange with Jim Jordan where Mr. Rosenstein was trying to answer, but Jim Jordan had all these questions. Keep in mind there's so much frustration in the Republican side in this particular -- in the Republican caucus because they feel the DOJ, for whatever reason at the FBI has been hiding stuff. They have been slow-walking things or as Brian mentioned redacting things that don't need to be redacted. The tensest exchange was between Ohio Congressman Jim Jordan and Rod Rosenstein. Essentially Mr. Jordan saying where's the stuff we keep asking for?
Pssst...hey Doocy. Jim Jordan didn't have all these questions. He had the same question over and over again. And sometimes the DOJ and FBI redacts things because they are sensitive information that are not relevant, or necessary in answering their stupid-ass questions. It's not just "for whatever reason they're hiding stuff." I love how Fox News talks to their viewers. "Congress is like, Why're ya hidin' stuff? Where's the stuff we keep asking fer? Where's my stuff?" You guys are regular Walter Cronkites, over there.
JORDAN: Mr. Rosenstein, why are you keeping information from Congress?
ROSENSTEIN: Congressman, I am not keeping any information from Congress that it's appropriate...
JORDAN: In a few minutes, Mr. Rosenstein, the House of Representatives is going to go on record saying you haven't complied with requests./EDIT/ You haven't complied with subpoenas and have you got seven days to get your ability together./EDIT/ We have caught you hiding.
ROSENSTEIN: I'm not the person doing the redacting. I'm responsible for responding to your concerns. So your statement that I'm personally keeping information from you, trying to conceal information...
JORDAN: You're the BOSS, Mr. Rosenstein.
ROSENSTEIN: That's correct. I'm making sure we respond to your concerns. We have sir. I'm appointing Mr. Lausch who is managing that production. My understanding it is actually going very well.
JORDAN: I think the House of Representatives is going to say otherwise.
ROSENSTEIN: Your use of this to attack me personally is deeply wrong.
KILMEADE: He says it's not personal. It is personal.
DOOCY: It went on for about seven minutes.
Boy, they had to use some mighty creative editing to try to make Rep. Jim Jordan NOT look like the twisted, angry, filibustering, lying, and most of all, moronic dipshit that he is. It didn't really work, but I give them points for trying. If you'd like to see the actual exchange, don't worry. We have it for you.
Then the REAL Fox and Friends analysis comes in. I mean, these people OBVIOUSLY know their "stuff."
EARHARDT: He is the boss! Can he go into the guy's office and say, "Hand me all the paperwork. Work weekends." Or say, "Hire more people," to get it into his hands so he can turn it over.
DOOCY: Or the president the United States, if he wanted to could just sign something and it would all be released.
TOTALLY! The boss can do anything! He can just walk into the guy's office and say "Do it!" It's not like they need to protect people's identities, or follow the rule of law, or be concerned about the impact of what they're doing on the nation or anything. It's just like getting your car washed, right? JUST DO IT!
This is where they showcase an uncanny ability to identify personality deficiencies in a way that would make Freud gleam with pride.
DOOCY: I get the frustration on both sides but the self-awareness though of Mr. Rosenstein is, you got to understanding have you got these Republicans who feel like for whatever reason, somebody at the DOJ is not giving them the stuff they want. I heard from a Congressional investigator last night apparently they have got a list of like a dozen things that they need from the DOJ, they did release two more yesterday. It's not everything they want. Buff it's a step in the right direction.
KILMEADE: They are referring to this resolution. This is what passed almost during the hearing.
DOOCY: It was.
KILMEADE: By a vote of 226-183. Nonbinding. Demanding they turn over documents related to the investigation of Hillary Clinton and Trump because they don't have it all. They want to know what they have. They also want to know what Robert Mueller has been doing and what he has been up to. Because they are a co-equal branch of government.
Steve: We all do.
No, sweeties. The slimy Republicans in Congress don't want to know what Mueller and Rosenstein have because they are a co-equal branch of government. They want to know what Mueller and Rosenstein have because they know it will incriminate Trumpty Dumpty and they want to feed it to him in advance so he can have access to all the information against him. This is called illegal. Subjects of investigations are not entitled to have all of the information investigators are gathering on them. That is not how this works. That is not how any of this works.
Here's more impressive readings of personalities, a then at the end...a thinly veiled threat.
KILMEADE: I know the president has showed remarkable discipline when it comes to Rod Rosenstein and the investigation in many ways. He has been hesitant to get involved directly and say, even though I have put most of you in place, hand it to the House. But, maybe we're at that point right now and people -- Democrats are saying wow, Republicans are trying to impress Donald Trump by being aggressive against Rod Rosenstein. They have to be Lawrence Olivier to pull off that type of acting and fake anger. That was legitimate.
EARHARDT: That's because that's how their constituents feel. Everyone is sick of the Russia investigation. If they don't have any evidence, get it done end the investigation if there is not any evidence. Let's move on as a country because our country is divided. That's what Trey Gowdy was saying. To the president, I don't think the president should get involved. I don't think he should demand those papers. When he fired James Comey there was so much push back. I think he's now saying he should step aside.
DOOCY: 100 percent right. The reason they did the resolution yesterday saying, "Hey, cough up all the documents we want," is because if the DOJ doesn't do that the next step would be an impeachment of Mr. Rosenstein. Of course, nobody would like to see that. You would like to think one you have your highest law men in the country is following the rules.
Did Fox's Couch Potatoes said that Trumpy Bear has showed "remarkable discipline" in the Mueller investigation, staying out of it??? Why, yes, they did! And that was right after they waid the one who needed more self-awareness was - Rod Rosenstein!
Oh, yeah. Of the entire bunch in that hearing, Deputy AG Rod Rosenstein is the one who needs more self-awareness. As opposed to the crew headed by Trey Gowdy Doody who spent nearly 3 years investigating Hillary Clinton, producing not so much as a goddamn TYPO from her or her people, let alone a subpoena or scintilla of evidence of a crime. Yet Rosenstein and Mueller are the ones who need to wrap this up in a year - the investigation which has so far produced, Oh, let's see...
22 people and companies charged
75 criminal charges
5 guilty pleas
1 person sentenced
All against the backdrop of the knowledge that a foreign power has, and is continuing to interfere in our elections. But by all means. WRAP. IT. UP.