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Paul Ryan Bravely Takes Us Into The New "Bring Outcher Dead!" Era Of American Prosperity

So some smarmy bloggers (yes, I'm looking at YOU, Atrios!) have been guffawing over the fact that Paul Ryan's Brave and Courageous Budget Plan relies on some seemingly dubious numbers. In particular, the plan claims to work economic miracles by


So some smarmy bloggers (yes, I'm looking at YOU, Atrios!) have been guffawing over the fact that Paul Ryan's Brave and Courageous Budget Plan relies on some seemingly dubious numbers. In particular, the plan claims to work economic miracles by bringing the unemployment rate down to 6.4% next year (it's currently around 8.8%) and all the way down to 2.8% (!!!) by 2021. And it's not just the dirty hippies who are laughing -- even the Very Serious bloggers at The Economist are piling on, calling the unemployment projection "unrealistic enough to be considered somewhat bizarre." But this is where you guys are missing the real magic of the Ryan proposal: That it will act as a massive stimulus program for the corpse-removal industry.

You see, the genius of the Ryan plan is that it gives the elderly "vouchers that do not keep up with the price of cutting edge medicine," in the words of supporter Andrew Sullivan.

"But what about people who get struck with serious illness whose costs exceed their voucher payments?" you ask. Well, they pretty much pony up their own cash to pay for the operation or they, you know, die. This will be especially true since Ryancare will repeal all portions of the 2010 health-care law, even the provisions that barred insurers from rescinding policies because people are costing insurers too much. In other words, get ready for a whole lotta corpses to pile up in the streets as broke elderly people die while begging for change to pay for their cancer operations!

And this is where the stimulus aspect comes in. Today we have a lot of unemployed people who are desperate for a job to put food on their tables. Once the old folks start keeling over in the streets, we'll need someone to clean up the bodies. Those "someones" are the people today who are collecting unemployment checks. Two birds, meet one stone!

The government won't be hiring these corpse-disposal workers directly, of course -- that would be socialism! Instead we'll rely on the free market and hand out a no-bid government contract to some firm that paid for hookers at the last Republican National Convention. This will be advantageous from a cost-cutting perspective because the firm -- let's call it "Blackwater," just for simplicity's sake -- will pay its workers minimum wage. So as the workers get older they'll be completely unable to afford the premiums for care they'll have to pay under Ryancare. And when they drop dead from exhaustion on the streets, that will just create a demand for more corpse cleaners. The virtuous cycle thus repeats itself!

Now, before I forget, let me get to the absolute bestest ever part of Ryan's plan: Charlie Sheen will get yet another tax cut. You see, I had originally thought that Sheen would merely get to keep the tax cut that Bush gave him last decade. But it turns out that he'll see the tax rate on most of his income fall from 35% to 25%. Just think of all the hookers he'll be able to afford!

Why is this a good thing, you ask? Well, think of it like this: Even though granny may not be able to afford her cancer surgery anymore, she will be able to get lots of laughs from the Torpedo of Truth's zany antics while she watches TV on her death bed*. So don't worry, folks: Under Ryan's brilliant and bold proposal, Charlie Sheen will keep winning for many, many years to come**.

*Assuming she can afford a death bed.

**Unless he attempts to get treated for his bipolar disorder. In that case, he's on his own.

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