Stewart On Petraeus Scandal: This Isn't Homeland. This Is Melrose Place.


After watching the media obsess over this story all day long, all I can say is thank you Jon Stewart for bringing a little humor and sanity to the matter. Stewart dismantles the Gen. David Petraeus, Paula Broadwell scandal as only he can. Thankfully Eric Cantor was not spared and neither were the conspiracy theorists in the media and over at Fox.

After bemoaning the fact that it was “Captain America” who was found to be having an affair, Stewart went through a portion of his interview from earlier this year with Broadwell and said this about not realizing at the time the affair was going on:

STEWART: The whole thing was like innuendo after innuendo and the whole time, I was like... daaaahhh! I didn't pick up at... I had her right there talking about how thick of a coat of awesome sauce Petraeus is bathed in. The thing never crossed my f**king mind! The whole time, I was just staring at how defined her arms were and trying to think of another version of one of my classic “I'm an asthmatic old Jew” jokes. I am the worst journalist in the world! For God's sake, the title of her book was All In!

Stewart then moved on to the media and the way they covered the story, starting with The Today Show deciding that serial adulterer Newt Gingrich should be the one they turn to for an interview on the the topic. He then moved onto the various conspiracy theories being bantered about.

STEWART: Conspiracy number one: The FBI held back the Petraeus story to prevent Obama from losing the election. […] If only a Republican had known about this on election day.

Cue failure number one and Eric Cantor being informed about the scandal before President Obama. Conspiracy number two, the timing is suspicious and now Petraeus is not going to testify about Benghazi. Or maybe not.

STEWART: They jacked him. Right before he was about to testify on Benghazi. Conspiracy number two: Now we'll never know what Petraeus knew... unless quitting is different from dying and has no bearing on whether Petraeus will have to testify. […] Or will he? Oh, he will. […]

Conspiracy number three: Either the President of the United States blackmailed the head of the CIA, forcing him to agree with the administration's lie, or that theory is stupid. Can't be both!

Cue clueless Peggy Noonan comparing the scandal to Homeland and Stewart rightfully pointing out that the details right now look a lot more like an episode of Melrose Place.


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