September 27, 2019

Jimmy Kimmel said trying to keep up with all the Trump news made him feel "like the fattest kid on the dodgeball court."

He said if the whistleblower report doesn't take him down, nothing will. "It grabs Trump by the McNuggets and doesn't ask for permission."

"This is what the whistleblower sent to the attorney general: 'In the course of my duties, I have received information from multiple U.S. government officials that the president of the United States is using the power of his office to solicit help from a foreign country in the 2020 election, among other things, to investigate one of the president's main presidential rivals.

" 'The president's personal lawyer, Rudy Giuliani, is a central figure. Attorney General Barr appears to be involved as well.'

"That's not a whistle, that's an air horn," Kimmel joked. "A wheelbarrow full of trombones!

"And not only did Trump try to get dirt on Biden, the whistleblower said White House officials were so disturbed by the call, they moved all records of it to a top secret server. They did that thing where you hide your porn in a folder labeled 'deductible receipts.' That is the conspiracy.

"You can hear Hillary screaming all the way from the woods of Chappaqua."

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