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Glenn Beck Turns Santa Claus Into Machete Wielding Maniac

Glenn Beck's new version of Santa Claus is to turn him into an action figure that will feature him killing vicious wolves with knives and spears.

Don't look now, but Glenn Beck believes he's the next Walt Disney. And first up on his bucket list is a new book and movie on Santa. That's an anagram for Satan, you know. Anyway, his vision is to turn Santa into a knife and spear wielding protector of the Jesus Christ.


I kid you not:

"The Immortal" is the name of his new book and movie, slated for 2016:

Santa is an important part of Christmas, but it’s become nothing more than a racket. If the kids just think that Santa just shows up and just dumps a whole bunch of presents, and you don’t even know why we’re getting gifts anymore, is that the lesson you want to teach your children? Because it’s not mine. And so it bothered me and bothered me all through Thanksgiving and all through Christmas, and I started writing a story called the Immortal.

It’s coming out as a book, not this Christmas but next Christmas, and then it will be a film. The premise behind it was how can I take a guy, Santa, and completely reshape him and make him into something even more magical than what we already think. How can I tell the story of Santa and place him into the actual first Christmas story without damaging the actual Christmas story? I can’t do any damage to that. I can’t have kids go yeah, well, that was Santa that was feeding the sheep. I can’t do that.

So how do I place this figure there so he is forever pointing to that moment? It wasn’t easy, but this story started to download, and I wrote it over the Christmas vacation. And we have been working on it now ever since, and we have come up with something that I think is game changing. Clement Moore was the guy who did ‘Twas the Night Before Christmas, and he was the first guy that really changed the look of Santa

And then Coca-Cola did it, changed the look of Santa. And then Montgomery Ward did it with Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer, and then we’ve been off to the races and off to the malls ever since. How can we reshape? My Santa, the Immortal is a very different guy. He starts out right before the birth of Christ, and he is up in the mountains. And he is a warrior. He has lost his wife, and he’s a sad individual. And he’s got a son who loves dearly, and he lives up in the mountains, and he hunts for food.


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But what’s interesting about him is he’s also good with his hands, and the way he hunts is completely different. He actually goes up in the mountains, and he makes these giant puppets that he actually gets inside. And he is trying to kill these wild boars by being inside one of these puppets, if you will, of a boar. And he roots around as the boars come in. That way he’s close enough to kill them.

And he takes his son and leaves him in his sledge up on the mountaintop and tells him to be careful. You know, he has taught him to be smart and wise, but as Agios, the main character, comes down, and he is hunting for these wild boar, he hears a scream up by the sledge, and the wolves have come and dragged his boy away. Let me just give you a little bit.

This is from the book:

Agios is now trying to go hunt the wolves because he has seen that his son has been dragged away. “The ridge led downward and beneath a rocky overhang. He spotted two wolves, huge animals, snarling as they fought over something they were devouring. Agios leapt from the sledge before the animals could react, spear in one hand, knife in another. The startled wolves whirled and snarled. Both ran at him like gray ghosts speeding from the gathering gloom.

Agios leaned back on the spear, planting the spear deep inside the lead wolf as it leapt. The blade lodged between the shoulder muscles. The wolf jerked the knife from his hand. In blind fury, Agios grabbed the savage creature, held her muzzle in one hand, lower jaw in the other, and wrenched. Bone and sinew cracked, and the wolf fell…and retrieved the knife as he sank it into the animal’s heart.

He saw the male, mortally wounded, on its belly, making its way towards him. He saw the fallen mate dragging the spear, spilling its own blood. He gave no thanks. Sobbing, cursing himself, he scrambled to the small ripped body beneath the overhang. “Alec,” he moaned, and then he screamed, “My son!” But no living thing could hear. Night enclosed him. The pines creaked in sudden gusts. The mountain storm did not care. Agios screamed again a wordless sound of agony, guilt, and grief. The wind whipped his anguished cry into the darkness.”

That’s how our story begins. That’s Santa? Yes, because what does a man do when he’s in that position where he has no hope, no resurrection, nothing? What does he do? He goes on an amazing journey as a hunter, as a gatherer. He eventually is hired by three wise men because he can negotiate, because nobody is going to rip them off, and he knows how to get the very best gifts. And so he negotiates with gold, frankincense, and myrrh and then has to go protect that gold, frankincense, and myrrh and then through a series of events is left there to protect the Christ child, never interacting, just watching.

He doesn’t know who he is, and he goes darker and darker in his whole life as he watches this boy grow, but he’s always touched by him, but he doesn’t realize it until the Sermon on the Mount. As this now 75-year-old man who has spent 30 years just following this little boy, as he’s listening to the Sermon on the Mount, he finally breaks. He knows who he is, and he falls to his knees, and he says Lord, let me serve him. Let me protect him. Let me point the way towards him until his mission is finished.

He makes a pact. Little does he know in that pact he has now become immortal, because as he watches the crucifixion from afar and cannot get close to it, cannot stop it, he feels he fails again. He runs off before the resurrection. A thousand years pass until he meets another little boy, a little boy that happens to grow up to be what we know as Saint Nicholas.

Jesus is the Son of God, right? Why would he need Santa to protect him? And if the three wise men were actually wise, why would they need Santa to negotiate for them? Sorry, I shouldn't try to analyze it.

It's not surprising that Beck would infuse as much blood and guts as possible into his story since he's a law and order conservative who would like nothing more than to turn Santa into Dirty Harry. I doubt Walt Disney would've handled a Santa reboot in the same way.

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