Go Volunteer For Your Local Ballot Board
May 21, 2016

I got called at the last minute to help with the Ballot Board in our county. The Ballot Board certifies signatures on the ballots by mail, opens them, and then stacks them for counting by a scantron machine. If a ballot is defective or gets kicked out of the machine, we determine voter intent, if possible. In short, we insure that ballots by mail are counted accurately and fairly. It is tedious but important work.

This was a run off for a primary election.

In our county, a Democrat and a Republican sit across the table from each other and certify that the signature on the outside of the ballot envelope matches the voter registration card and the application for a ballot by mail.

There is a large degree of difficulty in finding a Republican who will sit across the table from me. I do not understand that. I am a nice person who bathes regularly. One Republican claimed that I am intimidating. Can you believe that?

Anyway, if you have a ballot board in your county, volunteer for it because the most interesting damn things happen on a ballot board. I say volunteer because it pays a whole $10 an hour. However, you get to see how poorly your fellow citizens can follow simple instructions.

They go like this: fill out your ballot and put it in the white envelope. Seal the white envelope. Put the white envelope in the larger yellow envelope and seal it in the normal manner anyone seals an envelope,, lick it and stick it. Last, sign your name across the seal on the giant red line with the big damn red arrow beside it.

Oh no. That is too confusing. I swear I got a ballot that had been signed five times, including on the ballot itself. Yea, secret ballot. And there’s the people who want to make opening the envelops a lot of fun for us so they use half a damn roll of tape to seal it. One guy put staples all across the top of the envelope and another finally found use of his giant roll of duct tape he bought for Y2K.

And then there’s the christians, who eel the need to send their ballot with Jesus.

They tuck all manner of religious crap into their ballot, like this.

So here’s the deal. If you feel the insatiable need to put some in your mail ballot, cash will do nicely, thank you very much.

Remember: when Democrats count votes, Democrats’ votes count.

Go volunteer for your ballot board.

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