September 2, 2016

Stephen Colbert with the appropriate reaction to Donald Trump's hate-filled rant of an "immigration policy speech" this Wednesday. As Josh Marshall discussed in his article at TPM, the press has been an abysmal failure when it comes to properly identifying Trump's tirades as hate speech.

Sadly, the closest thing we have these days are the comedians: Stephen Colbert Is Terrified While Watching Trump’s Immigration Speech:

Stephen Colbert doesn’t scare easily, but Donald Trump’s speech on immigration Wednesday scared the living bejeezus out of him.

“The Late Show” host played a clip of the GOP presidential candidate’s fear-mongering address, and at its conclusion, Colbert slowly appeared from beneath the camera — looking absolutely petrified.“Is the bad man gone?” Colbert asked. “Jimmy, do I have time to change my pants? Because I am a code brown right now.”

Colbert described Trump’s speech as a “screech” before questioning how the former reality TV host was able to switch his emotions so quickly. Just hours earlier, Trump had appeared relatively subdued alongside Mexican President Enrique Peña Nieto in a joint press conference.

“He went from Mr. Cool in Mexico to thermonuclear in like an hour,” Colbert said.

Rough transcript below:

COLBERT: hey, did you all see the big Trump speech last night? I haven't seen that many angry white people since they cancelled a Cold Play concert. In the last 24 hours of Donald Trump has been an emotional roller coaster. "You must be this crazy to ride." First, he was in Mexico, looking for an ally.

TRUMP: There are many improvements that could be made that would make both Mexico and the united states stronger and keep industry in our hemisphere.

COLBERT: Okay, that's not softening. Trump has always called for a wall between the hemispheres -- and he will make the oceans pay for it. But as soon as he got back on U.S. soil, he was back to Trump classic. A quick warning-- if you have any small children in the room, please place them in front of you as a human shield.

TRUMP: If these violent offenders cannot be sent home, our law enforcement officers have to release them into your communities. Those released include individuals convicted of killings, sexual assaults, rape, attempted murder, and child molestation. The result will be millions more illegal immigrants; thousands of more violent, horrible crimes; and total chaos and lawlessness. That's what's going to happen, as sure as you're standing there.

COLBERT: (emerging from the bottom of the screen) Is the bad man gone? Jimmy do I have time to change my pants? Because I am at Code Brown right now, okay. People, we are calling this a speech, but that implies he spoke. He really screamed, so I’m going to call it a screech. How does he change emotions so quickly? He went from Mr. Cool in Mexico to thermonuclear explosion in like, an hour.

I’m starting to think there might be more than one Donald Trump. My theory: Trump is actually three oompah-loompahs standing in a human pyramid inside his suit. One here, one there and they get to take turns on who gets to be the head. One of them is reasonable and two of them really don't like immigrants. It would explain all his policy reversals, and his skin tone.

Now, Trump was just getting started yelling about foreigners.

TRUMP: Most incredibly because, to me, this is unbelievable, we have no idea who these people are, where they come from. I always say Trojan horse.

COLBERT: Yes, a Trojan horse. or Trojan pinata. They're a crafty people, you know. They'll make it. It will be festive. They'll wheel it to the border and we'll hit it, but instead of candy falling out, it will be illegal immigrants! Who will steal our jobs and our candy! The point is, we can't accept them because they may not accept us.

TRUMP: Sometimes it is not going to work out. It is our right as a sovereign nation to choose immigrants that we think are the likeliest to thrive and flourish and love us.

COLBERT: Yes, America has the right to choose immigrants who love us. and Donald Trump knows they're out there. He's already married two of them.

You know that's true! So to calm our fears and give us some new ones, Trump laid out his ten-point immigration plan, and he started with the hits.

TRUMP: We will build a great wall along the southern border, and Mexico will pay for the wall. Believe me. hundred percent. They don't know it yet, but they're going to pay for the wall.
COLBERT: Yes, Mexico doesn't know it yet, but they're going to pay for the wall. he'll just sneak it onto the dinner check. "Let's see, we had the potato skins, cheeseburger, two diet cokes, a $50 billion border wall. was that for the table, right?" We all ordered that. After that, Trump made a solemn scream to protect America from these monsters.

TRUMP: We will terminate the Obama administration's deadly -- and it is deadly -- non-enforcement policies that allow thousands of criminal aliens to freely roam our streets, walk around, do whatever they want to do, crime all over the place.

COLBERT: Yes, they walk around, they crime all over the place. they crime over here, they crime over there, here a crime, there a crime, here a crime, there a crime, everywhere a crime-crime. There is no other way to say it! But Trump is ready to make us safe on day one.

TRUMP: There are at least two million -- two million, think of it-- criminal aliens now inside of our country. Two million people, criminal aliens. We will begin moving them out day one, as soon as I take office. day one, my first hour in office, those people are gone!

COLBERT: Gone! Gone! Now a lot of people have said it's impossible to deport 11 million illegal immigrants, so trump's only going to do 2 million in the first hour. It helps to break down a big task into manageable chunks. The point is, he's going to do it, because Trump is sick and tired of America getting pushed around by those huddled masses yearning to breathe free.

TRUMP: Hard to believe with the power we have, hard to believe. we're like the big bully that keeps getting beat up. you ever see that? The big bully that keeps getting beat up.

COLBERT: Yeah, you know how poor, defenseless bullies are always getting beat up. remember how bad you felt when that mean karate kid beat the crap out of Karate Kid? That movie ended horribly! This time, the bullies win. "Trump 2016: Sweep the Leg." No mercy! So this is a bad situation, but, don't worry, Trump has a loud solution.

TRUMP: I call it extreme vetting, right? Extreme vetting. I want extreme. It's going to be so tough, and if somebody comes in, that's fine, but they're going to be good. It's extreme.

COLBERT: Yes, extreme extreme, extreme, extreme vetting. so extreme! I’m talking underwater paperwork, citizenship test on a skateboard, and no one gets in unless they can complete the "American ninja warriors" course. As always, our extreme vetting will be sponsored by Mountain Dew Baja Blast.

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