December 15, 2016

While Democrats continued their post-mortem-cannibalistic human-centipede post-mortem yesterday, and the media freaked out over Russian President Vladimir Putin and Russian Pяesident-eleкt Дональд Tяump and how Hillary Clinton woulda won it if only she had done any of three million things differently...the Freedom Caucus showed up at work bright and early, poured a non-actionably hot cup of no-free-trade coffee, sat down in their non-ergonomically-regulated chairs and got to no-overtime-pay work.

Remember how we yelled yesterday about the media--and too many Democrats--obsessing over clues to Trump's motives, instead of making the actual coming policies the news, like Fox does? Well, by 4:43pm yesterday, the Freedom Caucus was ready to wrap up their day and prove us right by Tweeting Santa Trump their wish list. With 228 items on it. Including an Oompa Loompa to work in the sweatshop, for all we know.

Cataloguing all 228 would take a 24-hour news network--and who the f*ck has one of those?--so here's a quick sampling of what they want:

1. Stop preventing schools from feeding Ring Dings to your fat f*cking kids. Why?

"The regulations have proven to be burdensome and unworkable for schools to implement. Schools are throwing food away that students are not eating."

So weird! Because kids ALWAYS finish whatever food they haven't flung onto the ceiling. Of course, any good parent knows that when your son won't eat his veggies, you give him what he really wants: Pizza, processed sugar, guns, and porn.

2. End Pentagon requirements to use renewable energy instead of oil because or else why would we need a Pentagon.

3. No more country-of-origin food labeling. Where's this bird from? Your goose is as good as mine!

4. Give America's forests to deforesters.

5. Weaken rules on treatment of weakened, "non-ambulatory" veal calves.

6. Deregulate egg-product inspections. If you hate Democrats AND salmonella, the yolk's on you!

7 Rewrite the Clean Water Rule's "Waters of the United States" definition to exclude some waters of the United States.

8. Euthanize rules against Wall Street bilking old ladies.

9. End the right of women to serve in combat (unless they're trying to get an abortion, in which case it's war).

10. Cut back on rural broadband access, or as Variety won't report it: Nix Hicks' Pix Clicks.

11. End USDA catfish inspections. Why? Literally the only reason they give is a URL: Which tells us is registered to the National Fisheries Institute, whose members include rugged, fishing-village families such as the A&B Chemical Company, Wal-Mart, Wells Fargo, and the Vietnam Association of Seafood Exporters and Producers. That's right, the Freedom Caucus is working for the Vietnamese, whose catfish get caught in our regulatory nets, giving Gulf Coast fisherpeople a chance to compete.

12. Forgive less loan forgiveness for student borrowers who were victims of fraud. Because THERE'S an education they won't soon forget or pay off.

That's a lot to download, so we've put it in handy, easy-to-remember musical form for you:

The Twelve Days of Donald
On the Twelfth Day of Donald, my Congress gives to me...
Twelve Debtors Debting,
Eleven Tainted Catfish,
Ten Hicks with Modems,
Nine Soldiers Nursing,
Eight Maids for Bilking,
Seven Bans on Swimming,
Six Geese a Slaying,
Four Falling Trees,
Three French Hams,
Two Wars for Oil,
And a Fat Kid With Diabetes!

And, hey, Democrats are actually fighting back. House Appropriations Committee Democratic spokesman Matt Dennis vowed that, "Democrats will fight tooth and nail." But Democratic teeth and nails won't be any more effective than non-ambulatory veal calf legs if everyone's lazily, cynically, CNNally sucking up all the oxygen with bullshit like how Democrats never fight back instead of telling Matt "Tooth and Nail" Dennis you give 'em f*cking Hell.

Crossposted from

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