January 6, 2019

Drastic times call for drastic measures, right?

I mean, what's the only thing we can do when gas prices are low? Let's turn to Steve Doocy, host of Fox and Friends for the answer.

"What do you do if you have a lot of gas? BUY A GAS GUZZLER!"


"The Car Coach," Lauren (I-Am-Certain-This-Is-Her-Real-Last-Name) Fix agrees! She proceeded to hawk an $87,000 Cadillac CTS-V because WHY NOT??? It has a Corvette engine! It's BEAUTIFUL! Not only is it "trackable" (admitting ignorance, here... does that mean someone tracks you while you drive it? That you can drive it on a track? Not worth googling) but you can drive it every day! It gets a whopping 16 miles to the gallon, she exclaimed with excitement! "If you've never driven a Cadillac, this is amazing - it's the fastest Cadillac they make!" Perfect for those morning commutes from your apartment in Queens to the school in Manhattan where you're a part-time substitute teacher!

Then they moved over to the Dodge Challenger Hellcat, a bargain at only $79,000! It, too, gets that awesome 16 MPG! But as Coach Fix notes, It's for drag racing, sillies! Drag racers don't care about fuel economy, HAHA.

Wait, are you still there? What are you waiting for? Get your asses out to the dealerships RIGHT. THIS. MINUTE and score yourselves one of these babies, because it is what you do when there's a surplus of gas! Especially when there is a Trump Shutdown going into its third week and now we've learned many of the workers won't get backpay! Don't forget - just because he threatened it might last for months or even years, the gas surplus will last FOREVER! And who needs clean air? We have all those scientists in the government working to fix the prob...

Oh. Wait...

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